Take my wife...please

Rep. John T. Doolittle
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Doolittle,

Chestlessness. It's a quality of which we see way too much in America these days. Sure, there are still courageous men like John Derbyshire, Nathaniel Blake, Mark Steyn, and that guy in my history class who declared that the holocaust could have been avoided if Jews had taken the time to learn karate; men who aren't afraid to constantly remind us of their courage as they hunker behind their keyboards, but unfortunately, they are rare beings.

Today, I learned of one more. That man is you. I can't tell you how impressed I was with your response to the news that the FBI had raided your home as part of a bribery and corruption investigation. Most men would have hid from the press, but not you. Instead, you threw your wife under the bus and instructed your staff to do the same. That took real courage.

I hope Mrs Doolittle realizes just how lucky she is.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: pastordan introduces us to another chestless wanker.

Mr. Collin's Legacy

Tom Collins
Chair, Nevada State Demislamunistofascist Party

Dear Brother Collins,

As a yellow elephant Republican, I was saddened to learn that you're resigning your chairmanship after only one year of service. You accomplished so many great things in so little time, I was eagerly awaiting your next move. Now, I realize that next move will never come.

Still, you're leaving the Nevada Demislamunistofascist party with a tremendous legacy. In less than a year, you:

• Put the GLBT Caucus in it's place by telling them they they were victimizing themselves by living a deviant lifestyle.
• Blamed women for destroying the Democrat Party by working for passage of the Equal Rights Amendment.
• Lost the Governor's race to Elder Gibbons even after he sexually assaulted a woman while breaking the Word of Wisdom.
• And best of all, partnered with Fox News to hold a Democrat candidates presidential debate.

That's quite a list. I doubt any future chair will be able to match it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fox's Democrat Candidate Presidential Debate

Tom Collins
Chair, Nevada State Democrat Party

Dear Mr. Collins,

I'm very excited about your partnership with Fox News to bring us the first Democrat Candidate Presidential Debate. It may be the only truly fair and balanced debate of the whole primary season. I mean what other network is going to cut away from the debate to give us a quick investigative report into the shady nature of Majority Leader Reid's morning cocoa and doughnut purchases; certainly not CNN, not NBC, not CBS, and not ABC--OK, ABC would probably do it too, and they'd add dramatic recreations involving Osama bin Laden, Sandy Berger, and a shifty looking South American guy in a vicuna coat, but your deal isn't with ABC; it's with Fox, and by god, that's good enough.

It's going to be a fantastic debate. I imagine Brit (he's not a foreigner he just has a not-man's name) Hume will lead the interrogation. Hopefully, Bill O'Reilly will be on the panel too, and if we're lucky, John Gibson will be on hand to tell us which candidates deserve "five in the noggin" for treasonous acts against Christmas.

In any event, we're going to see a lot of great questions asked of the candidates. Questions like:

"Sen. Hussein-Osama, how do we know that you won't set off a homicide bomb at your own inauguration?"

"Gov. Richardson, isn't it true that you refer to your state by using the name of a foreign country?"

"Sen. Clinton, now that you're a lesbian, can the American people be assured that you won't murder any more boyfriends?"

"Sen. Biden, if I told you that Gov. Richardson is actually a Mexican, would you have the guts to render him to Syria?"

"Sen. Edwards, have you given up on your plans to rape the Pope?"

"Sen. Dodd, who among your competitors should be hung for treason along with Nancy Pelosi and Jack Murtha?"

Of course, it's easy to guess the questions. The real mystery is how Fox will refer to the candidates. Will Hume and company call them the "Democrat candidates" like they did the last time they hosted a debate, or will they refer to them as the "traitorous Democrat candidates," or better yet, the "Demislamunistofascist candidates?"

Well, good luck. I hope this partnership works out well for Fox.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.