There's nothing a good three-week rebuking can't cure.

Rev. Tim Ralph
New Covenant Fellowship

Dear Rev. Ralph,

As happy as I was to hear that Pastor Haggard is no longer a homosexual, I'm very disappointed with the way you announced his cure. You made it sound as if he underwent three weeks of some kind of psychological counseling, thus blowing an opportunity to bring God's word to a wider audience.

We both know that Pastor Haggard was possessed by the homosexuality demons he's been battling very publicly for most of his adult life. Obviously, these demons had grown tired of the rebuking they received when Pastor Haggard and his spiritual warriors laid siege to homosexual bars and federal buildings or used a garden sprayer to anoint an especially sinful intersection.

You can't rid a man of a homosexual demon infestation with three weeks, or even a lifetime, of counseling. It takes an exorcism. Pastor Haggard knew that. He preached it at his church. I find it hard to believe that he would choose counseling over exorcism for his own cure. Certainly, he underwent the latter, subjecting his demon-ridden body to a thorough three-week rebuking.

So why didn't you just tell the media the truth? Were you afraid of being mocked by those who might not understand the exorcism process? It's bound to happen. After all, the "Anointing of the Wesson Oil," the "Donning of the Bottomless Chaps," the "Squealing, Even As A Pig Squealeth," and "The Application of The Spatula of the Terrible Rebuking," probably seem very strange to someone who hasn't hear the Word. But that's no excuse for hiding the truth away like it's something of which you are ashamed. Such fears shouldn't prevent us from sharing the gospel.

I'm very disappointed in you. I pray that you'll make amends by contacting the press and telling the whole story very soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot