Unrighteous Rogering

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

I think I've been doing a good job defending Ted Haggard and explaining the difference between sinfully dirty same-sex love and the healthy, righteous, heterosexual expression of fraternal respect that comes from the partaking of another man's seed. I hope you and your special acolyte, Brother Stucky, have had similar success in educating your flock.

But now, new information has come out about Pastor Haggard that makes me wonder if he is truly following our Lord's commandments. I'm particularly concerned about this story from Pastor Haggards special acolyte, Brother Grant Haas (as recounted by Sister Pam):

When Haas asked about her [Haggard's wife, Gayle] knowledge of these things, Ted told him "yes, she's a freak too", they went to sex toy stores and even molded a dildo together (calling it "Ted Two"), and put it into him.

I'm not sure what to think about this, so I'm asking you for guidance. Is this kind of thing acceptable? On the one hand, you have Mrs. Haggard strapping on a replica of the pastors little preacher and then giving him a right good rogering. That wouldn't seem to be in keeping with Eph.5:22-24 which commands wives to be submissive. But then again, if he commanded her to do it, it would be an act of submission, wouldn't it? Do you and Zsuzsanna have any experience with this kind of thing?

And, is it possible that by engaging in such an act, Pastor haggard was committing the sin of Onan? After all, he was sexually gratifying himself with his own proxy thingy. Or is being reamed by a replicate thingy acceptable? It's not really addressed in Gen.38:9-10 or anywhere else in the Bible--King James Version, anyway-- as far as I can see. They didn't have silicone to make replicas back then, so it probably never came up. And, I think giving yourself a righteous rogering using natural equipment would be impossible. I know, I've never been able to do it. How about you?

There's also the issue of a woman participating in a sacred fraternal rite for men. It just feels so wrong to allow women to do that. It's unrighteous rogering if you ask me.

Please get back to me soon. I'm not sure how I should address this with my flock, so I'll wait until I receive your response.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

It was just a little male-bonding

Pastor Brady Boyd
New Life Church

Dear Pastor Boyd,

It looks like you're in a bit of a spot. People are now learning that at the very moment your church leaders were declaring that Pastor Ted Haggard's act of supposed sin was an isolated incident involving a single manwhore, they were buying the silence of another of his conquests.

I believe you're getting what you deserve. You took the easy way out, preferring to condemn one relationship and hide others simply because the truth, the innocent truth, was too hard too explain. Now, you're paying for it (or not).

Pastor Haggard had it right all along. Over and over again, he's stated that he's just another heterosexual who likes to put other men's little soldiers in his mouth. You know...like Larry Craig. There's nothing wrong with that as long as it's not sexual. Heck, it's probably one of the best ways men can bond with each other. Sure as hell beats punching each other in the shoulder.

You know what I mean. You're out shopping for a new rifle or mustache groomer or something and you see a guy, and you think, "What a nice, muscular, manly looking guy; I think I'll honor his masculinity by asking him to put his little soldier in my mouth so that I might partake of his essence."

So you do it. It doesn't mean you're The Gay--you're not thinking about marrying the guy or anything. You're just nourishing yourself on another's manliness.

That's how you should have explained it to begin with. If you had, you wouldn't be in the fix now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Ted Haggard's commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle is so well known, they're even writing songs about it.

There's nothing a good three-week rebuking can't cure.

Rev. Tim Ralph
New Covenant Fellowship

Dear Rev. Ralph,

As happy as I was to hear that Pastor Haggard is no longer a homosexual, I'm very disappointed with the way you announced his cure. You made it sound as if he underwent three weeks of some kind of psychological counseling, thus blowing an opportunity to bring God's word to a wider audience.

We both know that Pastor Haggard was possessed by the homosexuality demons he's been battling very publicly for most of his adult life. Obviously, these demons had grown tired of the rebuking they received when Pastor Haggard and his spiritual warriors laid siege to homosexual bars and federal buildings or used a garden sprayer to anoint an especially sinful intersection.

You can't rid a man of a homosexual demon infestation with three weeks, or even a lifetime, of counseling. It takes an exorcism. Pastor Haggard knew that. He preached it at his church. I find it hard to believe that he would choose counseling over exorcism for his own cure. Certainly, he underwent the latter, subjecting his demon-ridden body to a thorough three-week rebuking.

So why didn't you just tell the media the truth? Were you afraid of being mocked by those who might not understand the exorcism process? It's bound to happen. After all, the "Anointing of the Wesson Oil," the "Donning of the Bottomless Chaps," the "Squealing, Even As A Pig Squealeth," and "The Application of The Spatula of the Terrible Rebuking," probably seem very strange to someone who hasn't hear the Word. But that's no excuse for hiding the truth away like it's something of which you are ashamed. Such fears shouldn't prevent us from sharing the gospel.

I'm very disappointed in you. I pray that you'll make amends by contacting the press and telling the whole story very soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

More on Haggard's battle against "Control"

Yesterday, Radio France's Rachel Maddow interviewed Jeff Sharlett, the author of "Soldiers of Christ," the definitive article on Ted Haggard published in Harpers last Spring. From the interview, we learn the following facts about Pastor Ted's battle against a shadowy group of demon-possessed evil doers that he calls "Control."

• Pastor Ted staked out homosexual bars and sex shops in an effort to recruit the establishment's patrons into a Christianist lifestyle.
• He laid siege to homosexual bars and federal buildings by praying in front of them and rebuking the demons within them.
• One Haggard follower would take a garden sprayer filled with blessed water and spray it onto sinful intersections.
• Pastor Ted says that Satan sent a witch to stab him.
• His parishioners say Haggard resurrected a dead person.

Here's a recording of that interview:



Update: Haggard resigned from New Life Church, today.

Update II - From Talk to Action, here:

Colorado Springs has been seen as a religious battleground for years. People actually 'prayer-walk' this city, spray cooking oil on places they believe are inhabited by 'strongholds' of demonic spirits, and have made it very uncomfortable for people of other faiths, including moderate Christians, to live there.

And here:

In groups that practice "spiritual warfare" (and at least in pentecostal and charismatic communities, this does relate to dominionism--honest, Fred!--in that much of the theological basis for dominionism in these groups is linked with the "spiritual warfare" beliefs) annointing oil is used less to sanctify an object and more as a literal "territorial p*ssing".

In the groups within the pentecostal dominionist community (like New Life Church in Colorado Springs, the AoG church I'm a walkaway from, Youth With A Mission (which is actually a dominionist group), etc.) they have a specific belief in "territorial spirits". (Many dominionist leaders actually claimed that Hurricane Katrina was God's own way of "cleansing" the "territorial spirits" possessing New Orleans or otherwise claimed "territorial spirits" were the reason NOLA got hit with the hurricane. These included an Alabama state senator linked with Roy Moore and the dominionist movement in that state as well as Pat Robertson et al.)

Agents of Darkness

Make no mistake about the charges being made against Ted Haggard. It's a frame-up, pure and simple. Pastor Ted is being framed by a shadowy, diabolical (literally) group based in Colorado Springs that he calls "Control." He's been waging spiritual warfare against them since he founded his church in that city more than twenty years ago.

It hasn't been an easy struggle. His frequent, solitary forays into the city's homosexual bars to do missionary work raised more than a few eyebrows. So did his prayer vigils in front of the homes of witches. But he didn't allow the snickers and amused glances to slow him down. Instead, he put up a sign on the front of his church, declaring: "SIEGE THIS CITY FOR ME, signed JESUS."

The citizens of Colorado Springs answered Jesus' call and drove Control underground, turning their city into god-fearing place, a new Jerusalem for conservative evangelicals.

But while Control had been beaten, it wasn't destroyed. Its sex-demon-possessed members bided their time, waiting for an opportunity to strike back. That opportunity offered itself up one night a few years ago when Pastor Ted made a call to an escort service requesting that they send a manwhore to his hotel room to give him a massage.

That was it. That was all Pastor Ted asked of the manwhore--just an innocent massage. Sure, perhaps the manwhore's little soldier may have accidentally found its way into Pastor Ted's bunker complex and conducted a bit of reconnaissance, but those things happen when a man gets a massage. There's nothing homosexual about it. Even if you do it every few weeks with the same manwhore over a period of a couple of years.

The same goes for the methampetamine. When a guy goes to a city the size of Denver, he wants to experience everything the city has to offer: the food, the cultural attractions, the nightlife, the thrill of scoring hard drugs, the rush of stabbing and robbing a drunk guy in a dark alley--things like that. It doesn't make him a bad guy, just a tourist.

But unfortunately, the manwhore was a Control agent, and he's spinning these innocent messages and meth purchases into something evil, making it appear that Pastor Ted is a homosexual and a tweaker. You can bet that the public is going to buy into it too. That is unless good men and not-men like us stand up in support of Pastor Ted and write letters to the editor about our own massage mishaps innocent meth buying binges.

That's what I'm going to do after I finish writing this post, so look for my letter in Christianity Today.

Elsewhere: John Cole appears to be possessed by a French demon.