Official Painter of Light for the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution
Dear Mr. Kinkade,
Congratulations. I'm absolutely thrilled that your painting, The Christmas Cottage, is being made into a movie. I'm worried, however, about what the Hollywoodislamunistofascists will do to it. Will they replace the warm light of God's love emanating from the cottage with a wicked, worldly neon glow? Or worse yet, will they open up another front in the War on Christmas by turning it into a solstice shack?
You need someone on the inside defending the integrity of your work. I think I'm that guy. I've even written a treatment for the screenplay. It's your story as Ayn Rand would have told it.
I got the idea after seeing the film version of Rand's book, The Fountainhead. Gary Cooper played the protagonist, an architect named Howard Roark, who becomes angry when his design for a building is changed. He eventually blows the building up to prevent his dream from being corrupted.
I see you as a Roark-like character, an artist with an uncompromising commitment to his artistic vision. The story is basically the same, but with your real life experiences. It begins with you creating The Christmas Cottage, the greatest Christian painting to ever appear on the Home Shopping Network. Your life is perfect until the people you hired to sell the painting try to change your vision by demanding a living wage. Unwilling to compromise your vision, you respond to your employees demands in the strongest way possible; you get drunk and pee on the Whinnie the Pooh statue at the Disneyland Hotel.
Now that's what I call the stuff good drama is made of.
So what do you think. Can i start talking to Jason Apuzzo about directing it. I think I can get him if I thrown in a "positive immigrant maid" role for his wife.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to Mr. Lucid
And graphic credits to those who thought yesterday's picture of Our Lady of the Concentration Camps might alienate people.