Swiftboating Barry

Valerie Huber
Executive Director
National Abstinence Education Association

Dear Mrs. Huber,

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that you hired Creative Response Concepts (CRC)--the folks who brought us Swift Boat Vets For Truth--to handle your communication efforts. Not only does it provide a little off-year cash to one of The Party's finest character assassination shops, it also gives you the firepower you need to finally destroy the reputation of abstinence's number one enemy, Barry White.

Over the years, Barry White has caused hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of illegitimate couplings. The man is a siren. Even now, nearly three years after his death, his music continues to turn ladies into lust machines. I've only met one woman who could listen to him without going all bonobo. That's my wife, ofJoshua. She listens to his songs constantly over at Mr. Garcia's place and has no interest in sex when she gets home, but then she's a saint.

I'm thinking you could have CRC do the same thing to Barry White it did to John Kerry. Certainly, if they can convince people that a genuine war hero was a conniving coward, they can sell the idea that a sexy-voiced R&B icon is in reality Woody Allen.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

PS, I'm including a very disturbing Barry White video. Watch it with your husband and you'll understand just how dangerous White is.