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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Mo' Betaphysics

One of the reasons I blog, besides the "mental problems" is that it is an excellent vehicle to convey the instant insights that sometimes visit me (they never call ahead, which is rude but what can you do?). These insights go from the mundane ("I should put on clean underwear now") to the profound ("I should have put on clean underwear a couple of days ago"). Had it not been for the Internet generally and blogging specifically such cotton-lined epiphanies would pass and the world would remain clueless about me and my rotten underwear. But, unlike my man-panties, things have changed--and the crystal clear insights that shatter the dull concrete of my merest materialism cascade upon my cerebro-neck-hat in a thousand dancing limbless legs. Thinker Alert: God sent me a Message coded in Brain Language!

So, now to prove the Science of Creationism. C'mon, you know you want to.


Author's Note: The following insight came to me as from an angel on hiatus.

We in the business of being chronically unemployed have been thinking about the Universe in terms of physics, to the point of talking about God's Little Project metaphysically (Note: if, while reading this, your eyes begin to glaze over it is because God really likes glaze). This is the sticking point, the faulty foundation that has trapped Intelligent Designer advocates (those who adhere to the Moronic Designer school of thought are not welcome here) and led so many of the "God is in the Gaps Holy Plausible Deniability Crowd" into the abyss of having to prove something, yet no one has stood back from that God Hole and seen the playing field for what it really is: (AUTHOR'S NOTE: this is where I should be writing about what "it really is" but I haven't a clue, ergo this minor parenthetical non sequiter--this would be a good time to look out the window and shake your head like a child's rattle).

The great Mistake we Chosen Believers have committed is we have ignored a wealth of non-data, opaque insight and pliant verities because we accepted the material world as a given--that it could be tasted, touched, heard, seen, smelled (NOTE TO SELF: I really should change my underwear. This is not a joke, for it lacks both humor and any semblance of a payoff). By giving in to the evolutionists' Oh-So-Self-Satisfied definitions of what is "material" and what is "a magical poof of abstracted cotton candy" the True Believer is already laden with a terrible handicap, that there is such a thing as "The Observable Universe." Well, I'm here to say "No, there isn't. And there never was. Nope."

I introduce to you today the Scienterrific discipline of Betaphysics!® Beta means "after" or "fuck VHS" depending on which dictionary your mom kept in your room after you went off to live in that garage near downtown. And Betaphysics!® is the key to the Kingdom of Winning every single argument you engage in for the rest of your life, including your funeral if you have the program printed up and include some brief bit of business about Betaphysics!® in the content of the program. Page 2 or 3--the back overleaf if you really have to (I mean, would it kill you to put my thoughts on page 3? Of course not.).

But I digress: Betaphysics!® is the discipline that says that the Creator (we'll call him Magnificent God, Lord of the Christians just for the sake of ease) made everything in Six Days (Five work days and then one day on the weekend, sort of like mowing the lawn on a Saturday or prying the Mail Box from the front grill of your Tacoma early on Sunday morning before that smart ass neighbor notices it and just gives you that look--that vaguely smug glance down the nose--what an asshole. I hate him.) So, in Six Days He constructed the Universe (no building permits required, no environmental reports to fudge, no pesky payroll, etc.) and then we come along and six thousand years later we start belly-aching about the Origins of Life and Dirty Underwear and My Asshole Neighbor, and you know what? We're Beta, we came after the Miracle, so anything we experience can only be written about or understood in terms of after or Betaphysically!® So there.

What does this mean in terms of proving Intelligent Design? It means that we have to take it on faith that the manifested world is as it says it is. We didn't make it, there are no receipts, no video, and so truly it must have been made by a patriarchal deity who wanted us to frolic (fully clothed) in His meadows, pray to Him in American churches and accept that the whole thing we call home CAME AFTER HIM and is in fact subject only to the laws of Betaphysics!® It's kind of like driving through a southern town in the sixties: you have to obey their rules or the chubbiest sheriff is going to eat a plate of bbq ribs about six feet from you while you lay doubled-up on the cold, cold floor of a jail cell. God is that Sheriff. Obey dem rules, son.

Because I am writing Betaphysically!® I know that I know nothing, and that nothing can be proven because everything came after God and it's His stuff and you can't trust any of it because He can queer the pitch anytime He likes and DNA is a trap and mutations are even trappier and God is Great! God is Great! God is Great!

If you find yourself with some finger-wagging finger-wagger scientist, and you are all that stands between the deific alpha and omega of the Universe and a frosty six-pack of Truth, just tell them: Betaphysics!®, baby! Betaphysics!® You’re too late! God already did all this stuff! Go home, and pray that He forgive your intemperate soul! And get a hair cut. Are you done eating that?

Well, like I wrote at the top, these things come to me sometimes, little flashes of insight--epiphanies if you will--and normally I ignore them on account of what the doctors and the prosecuting attorney told me--but what comes after God is Number Two. And that's where we are: in God's Number Two. And I really have to go find some clean underwear.

Man, I love blogging.


Confusing image of my treasured Lord and friends is from here.

Last Note: the idea of the world as unmeasurable, and therefore not subject to scientific examination and inquiry in any meaningful sense, does not mean that everything is an illusion, because then we would all just be heathens or pagans or Hindus or Unitarians, and that would be wrong. So very, very wrong.


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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.