Christian Domestic Discipline Romance Writer
Dear Mrs. Kelly,
I think I've read just about everything you've published, both fiction and non-fiction (not that I regularly read ladies books or anything; I only read your romances to see if they're appropriate for my wife, OfJoshua). I think my favorite has to be The Wisdom Worker. I enjoy how Lucas brings his family closer together by mentally picturing his wife while he's spanking his daughter and thinking about his daughter while he's spanking his wife. That's one healthy Christ-loving family there. I've tried to model it in my own home by thinking about OfJoshua when I'm spanking Sheila, the Militia Morale Ewe. I think it's brought us all closer together.
That's not to say that your other books aren't just about as good. I really enjoyed how you wove our most traditional Heartland values into Captive Dreams by having the southern gentleman whip the slave girl he loves so much. You should see if Rush Limbaugh would be willing to give you a quote for the jacket.
And of course, I shouldn't leave out Torin of Cumberwolf. How can you not love a story about a lord who poses as his own fyrdsman so he can take a willow to the woman he loves. That's what I call romance.
I was wondering if you had ever thought about writing a book like this for men. I'm thinking of a story featuring...oh...say a commander of a christian militia group, a man who sometimes enjoys the final act of ultimate domination a bit too much when he's honoring his fellow warriors while wrestling them naked in the ancient manner of our Spartan forebears. Let's say he feels really guilty about it, but being the family patriarch, he can't turn to his wife for a good spanking--that wouldn't be Christian---so he visits a man in Seattle who spanks men for money. But sometimes, he enjoys the sting of the Terrible Spatula of Redemption a little too much and, tempted by Satan, he pays the man a little extra for a good, old-fashioned rogering.
That'd make a great book wouldn't it? I mean, it has all the elements of a good Christian domestic discipline romance novel: the sin, the strong, handsome, leather-outfitted guy with a spatula, and a lot of good, old-fashioned rogering. I bet it would sell like sock-bulges at a Promise Keepers rally. I'd love to help you write it.
Heterosexually yours in a stern yet chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Update: Nothing gets a patriarch's juices flowing quite like seeing his wife dressed in Leah's special crotchless pantaloons.
Update II: Why Leah's daughter is not a Girl Scout:
My problem with the Girl Scouts of America began unexpectedly one evening after I was asked by my daughter’s Girl Scout leader to attend a regional meeting for our troop since she couldn’t make it herself.
I arrived just as the meeting was getting ready to begin, nodding at all the ladies present as I seated myself around the table with perhaps fifteen or twenty other Girl Scout leaders. After sitting my purse in the floor and opening my steno book to take notes, I turned my full attention to the woman in charge of the meeting when all of a sudden I began to feel this…frigidness… this overwhelming coldness and oppression I recognized at once as originating from Satan.
I was confused. As I looked around the room, I noticed that the majority of the other leaders all had their hair cut off clean to their ears and were dressed quite manly, but other than that, I could see nothing out of the ordinary. No one was overly friendly, but neither were they unfriendly.
I could hardly wait to get out of that meeting. If you have ever experienced spiritual discernment and have felt the cold oppressiveness of evil, you will understand what I mean. If you have not, please don’t think I’m a complete nutcase. This rarely happens to me, but when it does, I know there’s a good reason for it.
I left that meeting completely perplexed. However, knowing that I felt what I felt, I made my way home and began my search for the reason behind it. It didn’t take me long to find the first of it. A simple glance at an article on CBN.com explained a whole lot. Girl Scouts of America was involved, perhaps even heavily involved, with Planned Parenthood.
A helmet tip to Anntichrist S. Coulter.