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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Of Postum, Penis Pumps, and Crack Cocaine

Although I'm more of a Brownback/Tancredo man, I'm still very fascinated by how Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney engage each other by taking radically different approaches to addressing the same issues. Take the question of who can best fill Our Leader's black-footed ferret skin cowboy boots. Both candidates know how important it is to convince primary voters that they are up to the task, but as you can see from these meeting transcripts (Jesus' General Exclusive - Must Credit Jesus' General) they each decide on very different, but equally creative, solutions specifically tailored to highlight their best qualities.

Romney 2008
Strategy Meeting
Concord HQ

Mitt "Willard" Romney
LaVar Holmgren
LaDell Hunsaker
LaVere Hansen
[For the sake of clarity, I will refer to the candidate as "Mitt" and the staff members as RMG (rich Mormon guy) 1, 2, and 3.

Mitt: Brother LaDell, will you thank Sister Holmquist and the Tremonton 4th Ward Relief Society for the red punch and green Jell-O with carrots and cottage cheese in it. You just can't get good LDS food here. I had to have it shipped in when I was governor.

RMG2: Already done, Elder Mitt, and I found a dependable Postum vender too.

Mitt: Swell. Before we get started, how do I smell today? Chris Matthews sent me a bottle of his favorite aftershave and a dozen roses. He thinks that makes up for the fact that he didn't call me after our last interview. He's not getting off that easy. He had my digits.

RMG 1: Oh my heck, they'll be writing about how good you smell all week.

Mitt: Swell. I'm a man who likes to smell good. Reporters dig that, and it distracts them from doing stories on my haircut.

OK, The first thing we need to do is come up with something that'll show the primary voters that I'll be as swell a decider as George Bush.

RMG 3: That'll be hard to do. You're not president so you can't start a land war in Asia or passively conduct an ethnic cleansing campaign in Louisiana.

RMG 1: Hey, you need a fundraiser. You should appoint a guy who made millions by systematically abusing troubled youth.

Mitt: That's a swell idea Brother LaVar, W had Mel Sembler. Great fundraiser, that guy, and even better at turning a buck by abusing troubled children. There can't be many Mel Semblers out there. Do you have anyone in mind?

RMG 1: Yeah, Utah is the capital of institutional child abuse centers. I bet I could name a dozen child abuse moguls who'd love to raise funds for you, but I think Brother Lichfield is our man. You might have to thank him by giving him an Ambassadorship like the one W gave Sembler though.

Mitt: Oh my heck, we better not offer him Sembler's Vatican appointment. We can't have an elder consorting with the Whore of Babylon.

(giggles all around)

Mitt: How well does he match up with Sembler? Is Brother Lichfield involved in a penis pump custody battle like the Ambassador?

RMG 3: I don't think so, but I bet we can arrange it to happen so there is no doubt your decisions are as good as Ws.

Mitt: OK, swell. Brother LaVar, call Brother LaVene and tell him to set up a meeting with me and Bob Lichfield.

And when are the sisters coming in? Cups of Postum don't make themselves.

Giuliani 2008
Strategy Meeting
Bensonhurst Social Club

Rudy Giuliani
Bernie Kerik
Tony Eyeballs
"Ben" a "College Republicans for Rudy" volunteer

Rudy: We need to come up with an idea that'll show primary voters that I'm just as good at making decisions as W is.

Kerik: and we need to be able to skim a few bucks off of it.

Rudy: yes, that goes without saying Bernie. OK, I want ideas.

Ben: Well, you blow off important work to make meaningless patriotic speeches while getting down with a little "pumping music."

Rudy: Yeah, that's good Ben, but I only blew off the Iraq Study Group Meetings. That's not the same thing as blowing off Leader of the Free World type duties. I want something that equals or exceeds what W does.

Kerik: What about a war?

(Ben shrieks and cowers under a table.)

Tony Eyeballs: Fat Tony is leaning on me to give him points on the vig I'm getting from Jeanine Pirro. I say we go to war against his crew. Sure the Gambinos would crush us, but that's the kind of decision-making you're looking for isn't it?

Ben: Can I fight it by inviting Ann Coulter to speak at my university?

Kerik: It'll cost you ten points, Ben.

Rudy: OK, going to war with Fat Tony is a nonstarter. It'd affect our business down at the fishmarket. What else have you got?

Eyeballs: How much cocaine did you snort during the eighties?

Kerik: Did any of your wives drive a car over their boyfriends? Were any of them pot dealers when you married them?

Rudy: Those are great ideas, but how can we improve on them to demonstrate my decision making skills are even better than W's.

Kerik: And we need to be able to wet our beaks.

Eyeballs: I know a guy who knows a crack dealer who might be interested in running your South Carolina campaign.

Rudy: That exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for Eyeballs. Set up a meeting with him to talk about the job and how many points he's going to give us on his crack operation.

Kerik: Have I ever told you guys that I did it with Judith Regan.


Rudy: every day, Bernie, every day.

Ben: What was it like Mr. Kerik? Did you see her naked? I heard girls don't have thingies like guys do. Is that true?

OK, I'm getting 100 Gs for a pumping music thing in Topeka. I've got to get to the airport. Let's roll.

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