Protecting our children from "hippie culture"

Dr. Bill Seel
Boardmember
Pickens County Library System
Easley, South Carolina

Dear Dr. Seel,

I want to thank you and your fellow board members for caving-in to the good, god-fearing Baptists who demanded that you cancel your summer reading program for kids. Who knows what kind of damage could have been done to our children. Between the witchcraft of the astrology class, the exposure to false prophets in the zen gardening and yoga classes, and the promotion of "hippie culture and drug use" that was sure to occur at t-shirt workshop, the reading program would have put our kids on a NASCAR track running straight into Hell.

I'm afraid that's just the beginning of the library system's troubles however. There are a lot of evolution and heliocentric astronomy books on your shelves. And do I even have to mention the bonobo books. Sure, they may not mention the apes' love of penis fencing and woo woo rubbing, but these books are nothing less than gateway literature for the hard-core pornography? The kid who cracks open a Curious George book today will be furiously abusing himself like a randy Swede while watching I Am Curious (Yellow) tomorrow.

Why haven't these books been burned? Do you think it might be because one or more of your reference librarians is possessed by demons?

That'd explain some of the problems with your online photo database wouldn't it? Have you sat down and taken a good look at it. It's like some kind of Sodom of cyber-iniquity. On the front page alone, you've got: two men touching each other in some kind of sick clown homofest, a chorus line of women parading around in cow outfits and flaunting their udders while a big ol' bull cowgirl cracks her whip; and a policeman with a limp nightstick--how can you teach kids to respect the law when they see a cop who can't raise his nightstick?

Now, I'm not saying that you should get rid of the whole database. It has its good points. Take the people section for instance. Although, by my count, 73% of the people in the photographs are either homosexuals, communists, or Jehovah's Witnesses, at least they're all white. You deserve some credit for that (as does your local heritage defense klavern).

I hope this email doesn't get you down. Remember, it started out with a big thank you for caving-in to the Baptists' demands. The remaining problems aren't anything a couple of exorcists and a good bonfire can't take care of. I'm sure you'll have the library system back up to Pickens County standards in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot