On the table

Aleksander Sallabanda
Ambassador to the United States
Republic of Albania

Dear Ambassador Sallabanda,

As you are probably aware, the people of American have betrayed Our Leader. Pundits like Chris Matthews no longer marvel at His mighty codpiece. Peggy Noonan hasn't lit the candles to His shrine in over 16 months. His entire base consists solely of Haliburton stockholders, cronies He's appointed, Regent University graduates, homeschooled heartlanders whose bloodlines have been purified by at-least three generations of inbreeding, and Joe Lieberman. It's a shame. He's done so much to this country.

He's still loved in your country however. Worshipful Albanians mobbed him during his visit yesterday. Some even carried signs declaring him to be a messenger for God--it was like the Republican National Convention all over again.

Seeing all this adulation made me wonder if perhaps he might be more valuable to Albania than to the US right now. Does your treasury need to be liberated by freedom-loving contractors? Do you have a politically-unreliable population that needs to be scattered by neglect during a national disaster? Do you need to defend your citizen's liberties by repealing them? Would you like to make Albanian politics less divisive by getting rid of the opposition? Is there a country of browner people to which you wish to send your children to die? If so, you need George W. Bush.

I think we'd be willing to trade him if you had someone to offer who'd be His equal, someone whose intelligence, skill, and leadership talent perfectly matches those of Our Leader. Fortunately, I think I've found just such a person. His name is Abdurahman Bajraktari, a syphilitic goatherd from the village of Ljuboten.

Now I understand it's not a perfect trade, but I think we'd be willing throw in Alberto Gonzales and a crony to be named later. How does that sound to you? Can we start drawing up the paperwork?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot