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Friday, June 01, 2007

A Rough Pig Slouching Towards Birmingham

Mike Stone
Proud Christian Father

Dear Mr. Stone,

I want to commend you for the Christ-centered way you are raising your children. I'm particular impressed with your philosophy on whooping them. Your adage on discipline, "I am not trying to raise another child I am trying to raise a Champion" should be stitched into every belt and etched into every spatula produced in this great god-fearing nation.

That's not to say I'm in complete agreement with how you introduced your son, Jamison, to the joy of killing. While I'm sure the boy got a big thrill out of blowing away the monster pig with the most powerful handgun in the world, I think he'd have derived more satisfaction and a better idea of what it means to be a man if he had stabbed it with a knife, or better yet, a pointed stick. I don't know; shooting a pig just seems so wimpy to me. I bet the other boys tease him about it. By God, I know would if I were one of his peers.

That said, I'm sure it was still one of the all-time greatest father and son experiences you've ever experienced. I'd like to hear more about it. Did you and your son stalk the monster pig or just suddenly stumble onto it? What load were you shooting? Was it manufactured ammunition or your own special load? Don't you miss Jim Crow? How many shots did it take to bring the monster pig down? Where did Jaimison hit him? What color panties were you wearing? Were they silky? Did the recoil from that .50 cal. S&W knock young Jamison on his butt? Have you barbecued the pig's ribs yet? Were they tasty? Do you ever dress up like a gladiator? Are you going to mount it? Would you let me mount it if I gave you twenty bucks?

I hope you'll consider answering these questions by publishing a FAQ on your website. I imagine there are a lot of guys like me who'd be interested in hearing the answers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A big tip of the old helmet to reader Michael Z.


  1. HaloScan wouldn't even open for me tonight. I wanted to see the other comments, dammit.

    I just don't see the value or the point of hunting. My entire so-called "family" hunts, they see it as some huge accomplishment to kill beautiful animals when they have yet to be broke enough or in any situation where they NEEDED to kill their own meat. They have dead animals' heads hanging on their living room walls.

    I'm sure that good "xians" like these would call me a pussy, weak, not a survivor, whatever. If I were on a desert island, I'd make it, though. Betcher ass on that one.

    Provided that the fellow desertees didn't sneak up on me and turn me into a cochon du lait, of course.

    Imagine if such an amazing animal had been studied in his natural habitat, or at the very least, studied in a human environment. Imagine what we could have learned from such an amazing creature.

  2. You have to admit that's one hell of a lot of bacon they got there. Good thing they're not Jewish - or Muslim.

  3. Anonymous10:26 AM

    General, sir, did you see the news yesterday that this pig was not wild at all, in fact was a PET HOG, kept in an enclosure? And the brave lad hunting it shot at it 16 times, hitting it 6 times, over the course of the three-hour "hunt"?

    It's all in the Atlanta-Journal-Constitution.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.