Taking a more punishment-oriented approach

Alan Chambers
President, Exodus International

Dear Mr. Chambers,

I'm glad you are thinking about getting rid of the term, "ex-gay." I've always hated the term, because there are a lot of guys who, although they are 110% heterosexual under normal circumstances, can be easily tricked into committing homosexual acts. Take me for instance. I'm about as heterosexual as a guy can get. But as soon as some young Adonis in blue jeans flaunts his mighty bulge of manhood in front of me, I'll be on my knees quicker than an Idaho senator in a Union Station restroom. There's nothing I can do about it. The homo mojo is just way too strong.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Certainly, you've been there too.

You know, maybe dropping the term "ex-gay" isn't enough. Perhaps it's time we put a little more emphasis on punishment. I've been taking a punishment approach for a couple of years now, and have found it to be much more effective than anything else I've tried. It isn't hard to implement. No counselors or exorcists are needed. Whenever I have a homosexual thought, I just drive to Seattle, where there's a man who spanks other men for money. A few whacks from his Mighty Spatula of Redemption and I'm back on the heterosexual highway. And all it costs me is forty bucks, a few gallons of gas, and a half dozen Kleenex tissues.

What do you think about doing a punishment session at the Exodus Freedom Conference? I think it'd be great. Just picture it. My guy from Seattle up on the stage. His muscles taut and straining against his Harkonnenian leather outfit; his nipple chain clanking rhythmically as he delivers swat after swat to the bared buttocks of the wicked. A spellbound audience hanging on each blow, eager to be punished for their own impure thoughts. I bet it'd be the most successful activity you hold this year.

Let me know if you need help arranging it. I'd be glad to assist you any way I can.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian