Intelligence in the nick of time

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, the Department of Defense issued a press release Wednesday touting its capture of one of the top leaders of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Khaled Abdul-Fattah Dawoud Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, also known as Abu Shahid. And in a stroke of sheer luck, interrogators were able to get him to confirm all of the Administration's talking points about Al Qaeda's involvement in Iraq just as the Democratic leadership in the Senate was moving to end a Republican filibuster of the Levin-Reed Troop Withdrawal plan.

Unfortunately, the mediaslumunistofascists at CNN only read you the first page of the press release. Abu Shahid had much more information to share. Here are a few of his quotes the media failed to report:

Our organization would crumble if any of the following pieces of legislation were passed:

• Social security privatization
• Oil drilling in the ANWR
• increasing funding for abstinence education
• repealing tax cuts for the wealthy

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Nothing strikes fear in our hearts more than the knowledge that prostitutes dress your senators in diapers.

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1,357 of our best terrorist trainees lost all hope and abandoned their training when your mighty and fearsome president commuted Scooter Libby's sentence.

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We are undermining your society with gay marriage, evolution, and environmental regulation.

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Our ultimate goal is to punish Americans by providing them with single-payer health care.

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Tinky-Winky and Spongebob Squarepants are important mullahs in our organization.

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We fear Joe Lieberman because he's not really fucking nuts.

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Iran plays a central role in our plans for world domination. If America nuked them, the Middle East would become just like Branson, MO.

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We hate America because John Edwards has a nice head of hair.

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Walmart stands for everything we despise, but if we were Americans, we'd take advantage of the super savings and courteous service Walmart offers to its customers. This week for instance, Walmart is offering a "two for the price of one" deal on Panther Martin fishing lures. You can't beat that. Supplies are limited, so if I want to take advantage of this deal, I must ask my captors to hurry on down to the nearest Walmart and pick them up right away. And while they're there, they should take a look at Walmart's wide selection of sturdy, yet affordable, Coleman camping gear. Yes, Walmart is not only a den of filthy infidels, it's also your Headquarters for Summer Fun.