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Friday, July 20, 2007

The Joy of Worship Sex

Of all of the evils secularization has wrought upon our culture, I believe the change in our attitudes toward sex is the most destructive. Ask random people on the street what purpose sex serves, and they'll most likely tell you that it's either for enjoyment or for the expression of love. In other words, it's all about personal gratification.

Very few will mention procreation, the lesser of the only two purposes acceptable to true Christians. Fewer yet, if any, will mention the other, more important, purpose, the one that allows us to continue having sex after our not-men become barren: that is sex as a form of worship.

Dr. Dobson describes it this way:

The sacred act symbolizes the spiritual union that will occur between Christ and His bride the Church upon his return to Earth.

As an important form of worship, it should be just as much a part of our daily life as prayer or flagellation, but far too often, we let that part of our spiritual life slip as we get older.

If you're my age, you know the story. Our wives, filled with the spirit of our lord, feel compassion for a neighbor man who has no wife, so they step in to give him a hand. She'll go over there and cook him dinner and clean house and what not, and before long, saintly woman that she is, she'll be spending all day with Mr. Garcia and most of the night as well. She just won't have time to participate in worship anymore.

We guys react by doing more manly things like Spartan-style wrestling or watching 24 with a box full of kleenex. After awhile, we find that we're meeting all of our own needs and don't really need a wife to assist us in worship.

But that's wrong. It's not what God intended. We can't stop having daily worship sex simply because it's difficult or not as exciting as it once seemed. If that's the case, we need to put the excitement back into it. Here are a few ideas you can use to do just that.

Role playing

There's nothing in the bible that says men have to be the same Jesus and women the same church every time. Switch it up from time to time. One night, try bringing your rough-hewn farmhand Jesus and sultry little Church of the Shepherdess into the bedroom. The next night, let it be latex Jesus and the naughty French chapel. The possibilities are endless.

Personally, I like to braid my Jesus hair into pigtails and turn my robe into a blue gingham dress. And ofJoshua enjoys being a stern and stark nunnery. Give it a try.

Steeple Play

Bring all of the parts of the church into the worship. Get your wife a strap-on steeple. You'll be surprised how much excitement that'll add.

And tell her to reach around and give you a little organ pipe action every now and then. It'll have you singing hosannahs. I promise.

Keep it Christian

Whatever you do, don't ask your secular friends for advice. The first thing they'll tell you is that you need to pay a lot of attention to your wife's pulpit. It's a cruel joke. Don't believe it. Our wives don't have pulpits. Believe me. I've looked and looked. And even if they did, how would it make it more exciting for us?

Well, those are a few ideas for adding a little heat to your worship. I'm sure many of you have your own favorites. Please share them with us in the comments. But please remember, we're Republicans. We don't put our little shephards into anyone's mouth.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.