Chief Executive Officer, President and Director
Dear Mr. Barger,
Although you made a big mistake when you chose to cave into Bill O'Reilly's demands that you end sponsorship of Yearly Kos--Kos has more daily readers than O'Reilly has viewers and, unlike Factor fans, Kos readers are more likely to buy plane tickets than incontinence supplies--I'm sure your stock holders will forgive you. After all, Mr. O'Reilly is a key general in the most desperate struggle in all of human history, the War to Save Christmas.
Without his leadership, few would know the acts of yuletide treachery committed by Jews, secularists, and others who are destined to burn for all eternity in the pick-up lines of Hell's most wretched latte stands. Indeed, if Mr. O'Reilly hadn't warned us with words like the following, we may very well all be celebrating Hanukkah by now.
Mr. O'Reilly, Dec. 3, 2004:
You have a predominantly Christian nation. You have a federal holiday based on the philosopher Jesus. And you don't wanna hear about it? Come on, [caller] -- if you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel then.
In an October interview with Diane Sawyer, Gibson attributed his drunken outburst to hidden resentment over the “pretty brutal public beating” he suffered over The Passion. O'Reilly quickly embraced this bizarre "the Jews made me do it" self-justification. "I was right in the middle of that attack on Mel Gibson," he told Geraldo Rivera on The Factor. "And it was brutal.…It wasn’t all Jewish people behind the attacks. But it was Frank Rich, who’s Jewish, at The New York Times and other people.…That doesn’t condone it, but it does explain it, does it not?"
Mr. O'Reilly also notes that "The Jews" don't limit their acts of treachery to Christmas:
You got a lot of Jewish liberals, a lot of Jewish far-left people, who basically feel that, you know, you don't have a right to go after terrorists because it's our fault, the United States' fault.
There is more you can do to help Mr. O'Reilly defeat the Jews and their secularist allies. For instance, you could become the official airline of the War to Save Christmas, entrusted by Mr. O'Reilly with the honor of rendering our enemies to interrogation centers in Pleasant View, Utah or Almost Heaven, Idaho. Or you could become an example for other carriers by being the first to purge your employee rolls of those who show insufficient respect for our Christian heritage.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. You believe that you already demonstrated your support of Bill O'Reilly's ideals when you caved on Yearly Kos, but you will learn that it was only the beginning. Mr. O'Reilly feeds on weakness. You've demonstrated that you're an easy target. He'll be back, time and time again.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot