Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender
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Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
Fox News Channel
Dear Mr. Ailes,
I know you're very busy right now promoting Bill O'Reilly's 28 part expose on Daily Kos commenters. It's a damned good series. I bet it earns him another Peabody Award. At least I hope it does. It'll finally shut all those bastards up who wonder a little too loudly why his old Peabody is topped with a little bowler figurine and inscribed with the words "Westbury Girls-A-Go-Go, 1972."
But where do you go from there? I mean once you've faced the kind of all-encompassing evil found in a Kos Diary's comment thread, everything else is a letdown isn't it?
Take a look at what happened to Woodward and Bernstein after Watergate. Bernstein was never heard from again. And Woodward? He became little more than than a Republican PR flack. Errr....ummmm...ok, maybe that wasn't the best example, but you know what I mean. You'll need to come back with something big. And, I think i can help.
One of my favorite television shows in the late Sixties was called Operation Entertainment. You may remember it. It was a Chuck Barris rip-off of the Christmas specials Bob Hope held to entertain our troops. Every week, a crack ABC entertainment team led by The Dating Game's Jim Lange and staffed by a platoon of well-endowed blonds would travel to places like Pleiku, Saigon, or Fort Ord to get the troops horny.
I'm thinking we could do something similar on The Factor. I say similar, because times have changed a lot since 1968. One of the biggest changes is in how we honor our troops. We no longer show our support by getting them horny. Instead, we honor them in the same way Fox contributor and Factor guest host Michelle Malkin and her colleagues honor them. We call them traitors and liars.
The new series needs to reflect this change. Here's how we do it. First, hosting duties should go to angry scold rather than a game show host. That's why I think The Factor is the perfect vehicle for it.
I'm not talking every night--there'll still be time to attack grieving Sept. 11th families, lesbians, little girls, and Kos commenters--just one night a week. And of course, I wouldn't expect Mr. O'Reilly to go to Iraq and Afghanistan. he's far too busy showing young female staffers the tool of his trade.
I say give the job to Michelle Malkin. We already know that she's capable of honoring the troops with all the viciousness that's required, and I'm sure she'd like to get another chance to put another Iraqi's life in jeopardy.
Second, forget about getting the troops horny. Not only is sex dirty and wrong, it also has a calming effect. We want angry, frustrated, "backed-up" soldiers patrolling the streets of Baghdad. Doing anything that might encourage them to touch themselves inappropriately is a form of treason.
If they want T&A, I say give them Hugh Hewitt leading a chorus line of those blue-beehive-haired ladies at Concerned Women for America. That'll ensure the soldiers' celibacy.
Third, why stop at verbal abuse. Please consider honoring at least one lucky soldier by having a special guest star, say Chuck Norris, kick his ass. Mrs. Malkin's fans, particularly the brave keyboarders at Ace of Spades, Jawa Report, and the Confederate Yankee, would love it.
I'd be glad to work as a producer on the show, but only if I can do it from Mom's basement and get paid in Cheetos. I think I'll be more effective there than in Baghdad.
Hen. JC Christian, patriot
at 12:45 AM