Nuking Minnesota

Chuck Cushman
Founder and Executive Director
American Land Rights Association

Dear Mr. Cushman,

I've been a fan of yours for many years and am very appreciative of the work you've done for the Wise Use movement. It hasn't been easy lately. With J. Steven Griles and Jack Abramoff headed for prison, Gayle Norton gone from Interior, and Richard Pombo still wondering what the hell happened to his campaign, you've lost most of your best friends and allies in government.

I thought you were going to lose another with this whole Larry Craig brouhaha. But I guess I underestimated how hard you'd defend the Senator. I have to give it to you, your defense strategy is pure genius. Rather than trying to defend the Senator's completely heterosexual stall bobbing ways, you're taking on the real villains in the scandal, the land-grabbing tree-hugging hippy cops who are trying to destroy our western way of life, or as you put it in your call to boycott of Minneapolis-Saint Paul Airport:

By ambushing Senator Larry Craig, the Minneapolis St Paul Airport Police have effectively declared war on the West. They are primarily responsible for greatly weakening private property rights and Federal land use advocates in the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee and in Congress.

Although I think you're pretty close to the truth there, I don't think you've dug deep enough. Who's behind the land-grabbing tree-hugging hippy cops of Minneapolis-Saint Paul? And what are their motives?

Well, the answer is out there just waiting to be heard, and I mean that literally. Have you ever listened to how Minnesotan's speak? It's all "aboot" this and all "aboot" that. They're nothing but a bunch of God damned Canadastanians.

You see, they're very angry about all the elderly economic refugees from the United States who invade their country every day to load up on reasonably priced socialized medication. They want to stop it, but they know our government would never stand for it. These drug junkets serve as an important safety valve. Our leaders know that Sweet Sugardaddy Pharma is just one prescription filling away from being torn apart in a Geritol-fueled electoral revolution.

So rather than directly taking on America's military might, they're hoping to destroy us piecemeal. Their first target is the West. They want to destroy our god given right to clear cut whole forests, level mountains through strip mining, and feed our desert and shrub-steppe commons to the agribusiness interest who takes this year's Dick Pombo on the best buffalo hunt. Once they do that, the West will become a region of womanly nature lovers.

But they know they can't do that as long as there are committed, strong, heterosexual men like you and me, and powerful not-homosexuals like Sen. Craig fighting for our right to plunder the commons. That's why they've rolled out a secret weapon in Minneapolis, a secret weapon that will surely bring us all to our knees: Prince.

There's just something about that guy that makes me very uncomfortable, and by uncomfortable, I mean he inappropriately rouses my little soldier from his long lazy slumber. Prince's androgymojo is so strong, it draws not-homosexuals to Minneapolis like some kind of huge sucking machine (like the ones you buy on line for $19.95 that are disguised like a flashlight, are very hard to clean, and go though batteries like a DOMA sponser goes through astroglide).

Sen. Craig couldn't resist Prince's mojo. No man can. Heck, his very presence has turned the Twin Cities into a modern Sodom so debaucherous it's rivaled only by it's ancient namesake, the one God destroyed with fire and brimstone. And that's what we have to do to the Twin Cities. We have to stop the Canadastanians from using their weapons of androgynous destruction elsewhere by nuking Minnesota.

Then we can begin improving it with a few strip mines and grazing rights.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot