Dear Mr. Blachut,
I couldn't agree more with your letter to the Post Star. Women just aren't manly enough to serve as firemen, airmen or congressmen. Heck, even the words, themselves, tell you that--they have "men" right in them. As a matter of fact, I don't even believe they are manly enough to serve as companions to men.
That is why I prefer the company of the manliest of melons, the mighty pumpkin. It's been there, serving the needs of American manhood, since the moment the pilgrims first set foot on Plymouth Rock and continues to do so today. No need for niceties, conversation, or finding the right place to rub. All you need to do is throw a wig on it, make a hole, fill it with warm water, and go to town. And the best part of it is that, unlike women, the pumpkin doesn't laugh at us and call us "vienna sausage boy" while we're doing it.
I have pictures I could send you if you'd like. There's this one I have of my old pumpkin, Penelope, in this fishnet thing that'll drive you wild.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot