Pounding your chicken straight

Arthur Goldberg
Elaine Silodor Berk
Co-Directors
Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (Jonah)

Dear Directors Goldberg and Berk,

I'm writing to congratulate you for your decision to employ The ManKind Project's New Warrior Training as part of your treatment for homosexuality. As a warrior myself, I understand how important it is for men to forge strong heterosexual bonds by engaging in unclothed physical contact with other men. It's the reason I hold my weekly Spartan wrestling matches.

If the following description of the various activities you and the ManKind Project put the homosexuals through is correct, I can see why the program is such a success:

* Blindfolded walking tours in the nude
* People blowing sage smoke in his face while 50 or so naked men danced around candles
* Men sitting in a circle discussing their sexual histories while passing a wooden dildo called "The Cock"
* Naked men beating cooked chickens with a hammer

There's nothing quite like pounding your chicken in a room full of naked men to get the old heterosexual juices flowing. The only thing better is the other activity a former participant recounted in a court proceeding:

"So, everyone was sitting Indian-style in a big circle in the lodge when the man leading the group said, 'if you wish, you may reach over and grab your brother's dick. If your brother doesn't want your hand there, he can remove it."

Now that's what I call the ultimate in male bonding techniques.

But as great as your treatment regimen is, it seems to be lacking an important element--indeed, I'd go so far as the call it the most important element--an exercise to establish trust between the participants. Now, I'm not talking about catching a participant while he falls backward. That might be ok for teens, but reparative therapy requires a trust building technique that is much stronger and more personal, something where the stakes are bigger and the consequences more terrible than simply falling to the ground; I'm talking about risking castration by placing your grenades or little soldier into another man's mouth.

Have you ever had that experience Arthur? I'll tell you, there is nothing more exhilarating than establishing that kind of a trusting heterosexual bond with a man, or a whole bar full of men for that matter.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Please don't tell anyone associated with Ron Paul that I talked to you.