Mike Huckabee 2008
Dear Mr. Rollins,
One of the things that worries me most about Gov. Huckabee's ability to win is that he hasn't defeated any of America's enemies in battle. How many times have we heard the story about how Rudy fought off a full division of the Iraq Republican Guard at Fulton Fish Market or how Mitt Romney beat an evil, liberal doppleganger Mitt to death with Costco-sized jar of Postum. Pastor Huckabee doesn't have a story like that to tell.
That's why I'm writing to invite Governor-Pastor Huckabee to an event we're having in Houston where I think he can prove his mettle by defeating the greatest enemy humanity has ever faced. Yes, I'm talking about the Prince of Darkness, Satan. We know the Governor is itching for a chance to take on Lucifer; it's all he seems to talk about lately. Well, here's his chance.
I'm one of the leaders of the I-35 movement. I'm sure you heard of us. We believe that I-35 is is the "Highway of Holiness" Isiah prophesied about in the Bible, and we've been laying "purity sieges" against all the homosexual bars and porno palaces along that sacred freeway.
Unfortunately, Satan got the best of one of our allied organizations, Heartland World Ministries, recently. They had rescued a young homosexual during a purity siege and placed him in a reparative therapy camp. Things were going well. The young man had followed their instructions: he'd thrown out the drugs a secular doctor prescribed to treat his bipolar disorder and was depending on God to cure him; he was sleeping fully clothed to keep him from patting his robertson; and he was refusing contact with his father, a Methodist (might as well be IslamoMormon) preacher.
Then one night, the demons of homosexuality snuck into the compound and whisked him away to his family; He's at their home now, with his mother, his father, and the Prince of Lies, probably engaged in some kind of John Wesley inspired debauchery with the demons.
We're planning to purity siege their house on Saturday, and we'd like to the Governor to join us. We'll need his help kicking Satan's ass, and it'll give him something to brag about other than weight loss.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to Miss Stinkeye