O'Reilly and the Roombas of the Apocalypse

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Ever since 2002, when Our Leader warned first warned us about Saddam's Intercontinental Robot Flying Machines of Death, I've been afeared, very afeared of the threat roboislamunistofascists pose to our way of life.

Those fears increased a hundred fold today after I viewed your network's report on the possibility that terrorist evil-doers are on the verge of acquiring robotic vacuum cleaner weapons technology. How do we counter something like that? I mean, vacuum cleaners are everywhere. How will we be able to determine if our household Hoovers aren't actually Roombas of mass destruction?

And if you think about it, Orik-equipped evil doers are only part of the problem. Robotic devices are everywhere these days, probably even in the private offices of Fox News Channel's biggest stars.

We both know how much Bill O'Reilly loves anatomically correct vibrating devices like the ReamMaster 5000--it's all right there in the Andrea Makris pleading. Well, I hear that the ReamMaster 6000 with it's open-source Shudder-n-Scream® Pleasure Enhancement Technology is coming out in September. They're touting it as the first robotic dildonic device ever to be introduced in the United States*. Do you think Bill can resist Shudder-n-Scream® Pleasure Enhancement Technology. Hell no. He probably has an intern camped out at Sweet Reams Industries waiting for 6000's release even as I'm writing this.

Now suppose terrorists find a way to hack into it. Picture it. There's Bill sitting in his office. He's holding his 6000 against the phone, like he did when he was "courting" Andrea Makris, so his latest 'assistant' can hear it when, all of a sudden, the terrorist's program kicks in, causing the democracy-hating dildonic device to repeatedly strike him about the head and shoulders until he slumps, bleeding, to the floor.

You're going to need to take steps to ensure this doesn't happen. It's not going to be easy. My guess is that your only option is to move Fox down to Alabama, where such devices are illegal, as soon as possible. That's what I'm going to do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Apple is at least a year from away from launching their iBoink--word is they are in a big patent imbroglio with Rep. Patrick McHenry, who's claiming he created a similar product using duct tape, a washing machine, and a College Republican.