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Monday, February 18, 2008

The worms of Hell put the fire of God into his little heart

Kendall Boutwell
The Church of the Lord Jesus Christ at Brookhaven

Dear Pastor Boutwell,

It ain't easy raising kids, but you've done a great job raising little Samuel, I don't think I've ever seen the fire of the Lord so strong in a boy of seven. Most boys that age are more excited about the latest additions to Pokemon than about the word of God. But not little Samuel, he'd rather be preaching about hellfire and brimstone than capturing another squirtle.

What is your secret? We know it's got to be about more than the Bible's talking donkeys. I mean, sure, talking donkeys hold a kid's imagination for a little while, but not enough to send them out on the road rebuking homosexuals. Something bigger, something that elicits more primal emotions, something that causes fear is needed to provide that kind of motivation. And no talking donkey's going to do that, not to a kid that age anyway, a grown man, sure--the thought of our donkey's telling tales on us gives me the shivers--but a kid that age don't know nothing about the sultry wiles of a she-donkey.

My guess is you got him with the worms. Am I right? Heck you can almost hear the terror in little Samuels voice as he preaches:

If you don’t repent you’re all going to hell. Like I said, worms’ll be eating, worms’ll be down there. Theys going be long worms.

From what I understand, the boy has been scared to death of Hell since he was a toddler. I suspect you must have caught him stealing a cookie or something and punished him by convincing him worms were going to eat him alive. Is that how you did it? Am I right?

But just how thick did you lay it on? How far did you go? Did you set that little toddler down and tell him all the gruesome details about how the maggots would eat his eyes first? Did you frighten him so badly he wet himself? Did you cause him to have nightmares? Are those nightmares his motivation for preaching today?

I hope you'll consider sharing the whole story with us. Perhaps you could write a book, or if book-learning isn't your thing, maybe a video. We'd all like to hear how you've brought God's love into your family.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC. Christian, patriot

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