Colorado for Equal Rights
Dear Mrs. Burton,
Congratulations. I bet you're thrilled to get Mike Huckabee's endorsement for your ballot initiative conferring personhood on zygote-Americans. I think his backing might be just the thing you need to put it over the top.
It's a great initiative. I salute you for taking the time to craft such a fine measure. Still, there is always room for improvement, and as good as your initiative is, it's missing a key component.
We live in a very permissive culture. Due to the influence of Hollywood, feminists, and Luther Vandross, most Americans consider the sex act to be more a form of recreation than a reproductive chore. We no longer have a cultural constraint against engaging in sex more than once every six months or so. Indeed, I've seen research that suggests that many people engage in it as often as two or three times a month. I know it's hard to believe--we certainly don't associate with those kinds of people--but the data support it.
Think about the implications of that for a moment. With so many people having sex that frequently, there is bound to be a certain number of them who are pregnant. That means countless numbers of zygote-Americans are being forced to view the worst kind of pornography, live sex acts.
It must be incredibly traumatic for them. There they are getting a little extra mitosis in so they can get an early promotion to blastocyst when all of a sudden a man's thingy comes shooting in out of nowhere. And good golly, it's got to look huge from their perspective--little boy zygote-Americans will no doubt be haunted with feelings of inadequacy the rest of their lives.
It only gets worse after that. Millions of spermatazoan-Americans spurting into their homes like so many Medicare recipients swarming a Canadian drug store, and then a hanging around for awhile, bothering them with questions like, "Are you sure you've been fertilized," "would you like to hear some old Luther Vandross vinyl," and "let me show you my etchings," before finally dying en masse all around the shell-shocked little citizens.
We've got to do all we can to protect them from such horrors. That's why I'm asking you to sponsor a second initiative, one that would create an anti-pornography statute specifically tailored for our newest citizens. I'm sure Gov. Huckabee will endorse it too.
Heterosexually yours in a biblically acceptable kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot