Sales and Marketing Director
The Great Passion Play
Eureka Springs, AR
cc: Rep. Sally Kern
Dear Mr. McAteer,
By now, I'm sure you're aware that Oklahoma Rep. Sally Kern is raising questions about whether it is appropriate for Eureka Springs to host the region's most prestigious passion play now that a secret homosexual cabal has seized the city council. I think she has a point. There's no telling what kinds of tolerance-based, love-your-neighbor, kumbaya propaganda they may try to pressure you into working into the story of our Savior's brutal torture, execution, and reanimation.
I understand it may be difficult for you to publicly oppose them, but I think there are a number of subtle things you can do to undermine their propaganda and to reclaim the support of godly officials like Rep. Kern.
First, you need to add another villain, one that the audience will easily recognize as a character based on the cabal Specifically, I'm thinking of Pontius Pilate's close personal friend, Biggus Dickus, a figure who's received only minor attention in other passion-related projects, but would be the perfect choice for your villain.
Second, you need to do some of the positive role modeling for children for which Rep Kern is always clamoring. That's a little tougher. You can't give Jesus a love interest--he was a 32 year old bachelor who preferred to hang out with sailors and fishermen for heaven's sake. You'll have to go with someone else. Given Rep. Kern's vocal support for heterosexual humanphibian relationships, I'm thinking a romantic subplot featuring Mary Magdalene and a very muscular, butch leopard frog might be just the thing to win her over.
Please feel free to email me if I can be of any more assistance.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot