Sally Kern to ask Sarah Palin to spare nation using God's power of attorney

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

Your Proclamation of Morality is absolutely the best work you've done since winning the fight to keep amphibiosexual relationship books on Oklahoma's library shelves. It's a masterpiece, really. You identify the point source for every problem our nation faces in just seventeen preamble clauses. And I do mean every point source; the whole ball of vasoline from divorce and homosexuality to the secretly Amish Obama's refusal to participate in the National Prayer Breakfast.

But it's in the last of three resolution clauses where you really shine:

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin.

Praise Jesus, that is beautiful. I teared up from simply reading it. No doubt it will touch Our Lord and Savior's immaculate heart as well.

That is if He actually reads it.

My guess is that He doesn't really follow the Oklahoma legislature all that closely. I mean, why should He? You do a great job of persecuting the gay, the brown, and the poor all by yourself. He knows you have his back, so He focuses His attention where it's needed--like in Africa; somebody has to smite all those hungry children.

So you might think about taking a more aggressive approach to putting the resolution before Him. I'd suggest you talk to Sarah Palin about it. Apparently, God have her His power of attorney. She's writing his letters for Him:

[Palin] wrote the e-mail not in her own name but in God's, and signed it "Trig's Creator, Your Heavenly Father."

So that should be your plan. Deliver the resolution to Gov. Palin and have her spare the nation using her God-given power of attorney.

Amphibiosexual supportingly yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helping Sally Kern Save Hot Heterosexual Humanphibian Scroggin'

Sen. Randy Brogdon
Oklahoma State Senate

cc: Rep. Sally Kern

Dear Sen. Brogdon,

Considering your recent Ten Commandments victory, I think you have a great shot of getting the gubernatorial nod in the next election. I mean, hey, while everyone else was stumbling over each other to get any old version of the Big Ten placed on the capital grounds, you shut out the Catholics and Jews by demanding that only the Oklahoma version be allowed.

Now, while I'm happy the Revised Sooner Version includes, "Y’all shall not kill," I'm a bit concerned that I haven't seen the other nine. I hope Rep. Sally Kern gets a chance to help craft the one on adultery. It'd be a real shame if you omitted a loophole allowing for her favorite form of coupling, hot heterosexual humanphibian scroggin'. Maybe it could go something like this:

Y'all shall not do no fornicatin' or adultery or any kind of corn-holin' or bum-juggin' or putting your little sooner in someone's mouth or whatnot except with maybe a toad or a frog or a mule or any other opposite-sex water critter created by our Lord, five-thousand-nine-hundred-ninety-nine-years-and-three-hundred-and-fifty-one-days-ago.

Yes, I think that will do it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A Sheriff's Prayer for Deputy Dingy

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

I fear the homosexuals are winning their long hard battle to force their rigid orthodoxy down our throats. Legislative bodies all across the country are criminalizing the practice of witnessing by steel-toed boot and are granting special rights to homosexuals--rights like the ability to visit loved ones in the hospital.

These success have so emboldened them, they are now raising the stakes and going after our most pious local leaders by attacking their heterosexuality. In just the last two days, they've taken out two godly men for exercising their patriarchal duties with the utmost heterosexual enthusiasm.

First there was LaVern Jordan, Superintendent of Parkway Christian School, in Spring Texas. When a desperate mother asked him to provide a scholarship to help her daughter get a graduation certificate, Jordon responded as only a true Christian leader should. He denied her request for welfare, and offered her an opportunity to build her self-esteem by performing a special service in lieu of a tuition payment, or as he put it: "Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."

The ungrateful woman, obviously influenced by homosexual propaganda, did not submit to his godly authority. Instead, she called the homosexual-controlled media. Their investigative report caused an uproar and Mr. Jordon was forced to resign.

The second incident took place in your own state, Oklahoma. It involved the god fearing sheriff of Custer County, Michael Burgess, a man so pious, he posted a Sheriff's prayer on his official website.

Burgess was a conscientious sheriff. He felt his job didn't end with a perp's conviction. He continued to work with a number of female drug offenders to ensure they didn't go back to jail. Love served as his rehabilitation method. It was a heterosexual love that replaced their hash pipe with his throbbing pipe of sheriffly entitlement. He'd give them a choice. They could either go to jail or tend to the insatiable needs of his Deputy Dingy.

And he treated them well. Unlike their sisters, who were incarcerated in his jail, Sheriff Burgess's special trustees weren't forced to enter wet t-shirt contests or flash their breasts in exchange for cigarettes. They were allowed to gobble his service piece away from prying eyes in the sheriffs finely appointed office. One was even allowed to accompany him to Oklahoma city for an overnight "legislative initiative" relating to drug court problems across the state.

All that ended when a state prosecutor, certainly a wicked man who despises heterosexuality, charged him with "14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy, five counts of bribery by a public official and a few counts of perjury." Now he faces up to 467 years in prison for doing nothing more than exerting his god-given patriarchal rights and engaging in a few heterosexual acts.

I hope you can do something about it.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Lucifer drives a Volvo

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

I'm sure you've heard that Donald Wildmon's American Family Association declared a victory in its holy crusade against the Ford Motor Company, but have you read the terms of surrender? In Demand #4, the AFA grants Ford the right to continue to place Volvo advertisements in homosexual-oriented publications. Apparently they've come to the conclusion that Volvo is beyond help.

I think Dr. Wildmon is giving up far too easily. All Volvo needs is a little reparative therapy (and although Dr. Wildmon ignores the issue of the Subaru Outback's sapphic appeal, we should include it in this discussion as well.) Unfortunately, I doubt either vehicle will seek therapy on its own. They'll need a push, and you're the perfect person to do the shoving.

To do so, you'll need to enact legislation that will do the following:

• Shield Volvos and Outbacks from hearing homosexuality's siren song by removing them from situations where temptation may arise. Specifically, I'm referring to a provision that would physically separate:
• Volvos and more masculinely heterosexual vehicles like Dodge Ram trucks and Humvees
• and Outbacks from more femininely heterosexual cars like the Volkswagen Beetle. This can be accomplished by ordering parking lot owners to create special parking areas for each.
  

• Encouraging proper heterosexual relations between vehicles by mandating that:
• Volvo parking spots be interspersed with spots for Beetles.
• and Outback parking spots be interspersed with spots for big trucks and SUVs.

• Preventing the possibility of vehicle gender confusion at the gas station by requiring that the exhaust pipe of all automobiles be routed to vent in a more anatomically correct location: directly below the fueling port. That way there will be no confusion about where the gas pump's long hard nozzle is being inserted.

And while you're at it you should outlaw the use of those air quality protection sleeves on the nozzles. They are too evocative of a foreskin in the way they slide back upon insertion. I always have a very embarrassing visible physical reaction when I see it, and I'm growing tired of all the snickering. And, dammit, if a snip was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for a damned gas nozzle.

Same goes for lubrication. I mean, my God, it's become such a pervasive practice, people think nothing about saying the phrase "lube job" in front of their children. It's no wonder so many of our automobiles have gone astray.

Well, that's about as much as I can give you right now. I'd be honored to help you flesh it out a bit. Please don't hesitate to email me if I can be of assistance.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Saving his seed for God

Sally Kern's son is no friend of Dorothy's:

Kern, who said he is affiliated with the Des Moines School of Metaphysics, said that he chooses to be celibate, but he is not homosexual.

"First of all, no one's sexuality is anyone's business. It is not even my mother's business," he said. "I practice celibacy to give to my God," he said.

Kern said metaphysics helps teach him such things such as concentration, which has helped him keep focused with all the adverse publicity surrounding his mother's comments.

Kern said his mother's comments apparently were taken out of context. He has not chosen to listen to the audio version that has been disseminated widely throughout the nation.

More about the Des Moines School of Metaphysics.

The joy of having a frog in your throat

John McAteer
Sales and Marketing Director
The Great Passion Play
Eureka Springs, AR

cc: Rep. Sally Kern

Dear Mr. McAteer,

By now, I'm sure you're aware that Oklahoma Rep. Sally Kern is raising questions about whether it is appropriate for Eureka Springs to host the region's most prestigious passion play now that a secret homosexual cabal has seized the city council. I think she has a point. There's no telling what kinds of tolerance-based, love-your-neighbor, kumbaya propaganda they may try to pressure you into working into the story of our Savior's brutal torture, execution, and reanimation.

I understand it may be difficult for you to publicly oppose them, but I think there are a number of subtle things you can do to undermine their propaganda and to reclaim the support of godly officials like Rep. Kern.

First, you need to add another villain, one that the audience will easily recognize as a character based on the cabal Specifically, I'm thinking of Pontius Pilate's close personal friend, Biggus Dickus, a figure who's received only minor attention in other passion-related projects, but would be the perfect choice for your villain.

Second, you need to do some of the positive role modeling for children for which Rep Kern is always clamoring. That's a little tougher. You can't give Jesus a love interest--he was a 32 year old bachelor who preferred to hang out with sailors and fishermen for heaven's sake. You'll have to go with someone else. Given Rep. Kern's vocal support for heterosexual humanphibian relationships, I'm thinking a romantic subplot featuring Mary Magdalene and a very muscular, butch leopard frog might be just the thing to win her over.

Please feel free to email me if I can be of any more assistance.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A base abandoned

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I'm very concerned about the latest news out of the Duke Cunningham so-called "scandal." My hope was that the Republicans would get out of it unscathed once the public understood that Cunningham was merely celebrating free market capitalism in its purest form. For that to happen, the party needed to mobilize its base to help it spread that message. Unfortunately, the party seems to have lost its base just when it needed it most. It's not the base's fault. They haven't abandoned the party; the party has abandoned them.

Yesterday, we learned that Republican lobbyist Brent "co-conspirator No. 1" Wilkes entertained the party's finest at "a hospitality suite, with several bedrooms...first in the Watergate Hotel and then in a Capitol Hill hotel." Now, it's not hard to figure out what those "several bedrooms" were used for. And that's the problem.

Obviously, the party's congressional leadership has lost touch with its base in the Heartland. If they really cared about our most cherished values, they'd have insisted on the provision of stalls and aquariums in addition to bedrooms. Unlike their DC counterparts, the politicians of the Heartland understand this. Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern and Georgia culture of life activist Neal Horsley wouldn't make such a mistake. They'd have made Wilkes buy them an evening of hot, passionate mule courting and frog wooing. They haven't been seduced by the capitol's worldly culture.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot