Lucifer drives a Volvo

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

I'm sure you've heard that Donald Wildmon's American Family Association declared a victory in its holy crusade against the Ford Motor Company, but have you read the terms of surrender? In Demand #4, the AFA grants Ford the right to continue to place Volvo advertisements in homosexual-oriented publications. Apparently they've come to the conclusion that Volvo is beyond help.

I think Dr. Wildmon is giving up far too easily. All Volvo needs is a little reparative therapy (and although Dr. Wildmon ignores the issue of the Subaru Outback's sapphic appeal, we should include it in this discussion as well.) Unfortunately, I doubt either vehicle will seek therapy on its own. They'll need a push, and you're the perfect person to do the shoving.

To do so, you'll need to enact legislation that will do the following:

• Shield Volvos and Outbacks from hearing homosexuality's siren song by removing them from situations where temptation may arise. Specifically, I'm referring to a provision that would physically separate:
• Volvos and more masculinely heterosexual vehicles like Dodge Ram trucks and Humvees
• and Outbacks from more femininely heterosexual cars like the Volkswagen Beetle. This can be accomplished by ordering parking lot owners to create special parking areas for each.
  

• Encouraging proper heterosexual relations between vehicles by mandating that:
• Volvo parking spots be interspersed with spots for Beetles.
• and Outback parking spots be interspersed with spots for big trucks and SUVs.

• Preventing the possibility of vehicle gender confusion at the gas station by requiring that the exhaust pipe of all automobiles be routed to vent in a more anatomically correct location: directly below the fueling port. That way there will be no confusion about where the gas pump's long hard nozzle is being inserted.

And while you're at it you should outlaw the use of those air quality protection sleeves on the nozzles. They are too evocative of a foreskin in the way they slide back upon insertion. I always have a very embarrassing visible physical reaction when I see it, and I'm growing tired of all the snickering. And, dammit, if a snip was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for a damned gas nozzle.

Same goes for lubrication. I mean, my God, it's become such a pervasive practice, people think nothing about saying the phrase "lube job" in front of their children. It's no wonder so many of our automobiles have gone astray.

Well, that's about as much as I can give you right now. I'd be honored to help you flesh it out a bit. Please don't hesitate to email me if I can be of assistance.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot