Helmet Tips: Sex With The General

Dear General,

My wife and I would have a great sex life if it wasn't for our dog, Butch. You see, the misses moans a lot when she has an orgasm, and Butch thinks I'm hurting her. He becomes very aggressive and has bitten me more than once. We shut him out of the room now, but he whines and scratches at the door. It's very distracting, and often kills the mood.

Please help us.

Sore in South Jordon

Before I get to your question, I want to disabuse you of the notion that your wife is having an orgasm. It's just not possible. Women aren't built that way. What you are hearing are moans of disgust. Believe me. I know this from personal experience.

Now for the problem with Butch. You need to bring him back into the bedroom. It's so much better when you know you're being watched.

You'll need to do something to distract your dog's attention away from the moaning. I do it by packing my ass with peanut butter. My dog, Digger, loves it. He really goes to town.

You have to be a very careful though. You don't want to get any on your grenades. Ole Butch will smell it and see those puppies a swingin', and then he's going to chomp down hard. That's how I got my Purple Heart.

--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.