Helmet Tips: Seducing Your Man

It's been a long time since I last posted any sex advice, but I was emailed a question this week that was too compelling to pass up. What can a not-man do when her head of household stops plowing the south 40?

Dear General,

My husband stopped drinking about eight months ago and it takes an act of God to get him to have sex with me......

What can I do?

Drying Up in Des Moines...

Dear Drying Up,

You're going to have to pick up a few things to make the experience a little more exotic and exciting. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not talking about naughty lingerie or edible panties. There's nothing manly about a lacy teddy or a tiny G-string. Those are lady things. Only a homosexual would be turned on by such frilly foofery.

What you need are things that excite a man. Go to town and get a trapeze, a sheepskin, a tube of carpet adhesive, a bag of pork rinds, a roll of duct tape, a ratchet (preferably a 10 inch flip lever tear drop with an 1/2 in. drive), and a copy of the abridged video version of Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead." Once you've gathered all that, do the following:

1. Attach the trapeze to the ceiling above the bed. Be sure to anchor it into the joists rather than the drywall--you don't want to come crashing down.

2. Attach the sheepskin to your torso using the carpet adhesive.

3. Attach the pork rinds to your not-man chest thingies and inner thighs using the duct tape.

4. Load the video and pause it.

5. Duct tape your tv/dvd/vcr remote and ratchet to a place on your sheepskin where you can easily grab them.

6. Climb onto the trapeze and then flip around so you are upside down.

7. Make bleating noises until he comes within arms' reach.

8. Point out the location of the pork rinds.

9. Quickly lower his pants while he's feeding and jam the handle of the ratchet up his cave of shame and begin stimulating his happy button.

10. Start the abridged video version of Ayn Rand's "The Fountain Head." He'll be all over you the moment he hears Gary Coopers voice.

11. Rewind and replay the video once if needed, but that shouldn't be necessary; it's long enough to bring most men to climax without rewinding.

12. Thank the Lord.

That should do it.

Please write me back and let me know how it went.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. The video may be hard to find, so I'm enclosing it, here:




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Helmet Tip: Submission From the Top

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General,

My wife likes to be on top when we make love. That doesn't feel right to me. It makes me feel like a damned sitzpinkler.

Bob in Bothwell

Dear Butch,

You're right to feel that way. In the Bible, God commands wives to be submissive to their husbands. That's hard to do when the wife is on top--at least it is for men like us. Notice I said "hard" rather than impossible. It can be done.

You have to make it a chore for her, something she does, not for enjoyment, but as an unpleasant act of submission. Usually, women find the sex act, by it's very nature, to be unpleasant. That's been my experience.

But from your description it sounds like your wife enjoys it. You should consider enrolling her in some kind of counseling or exorcism with your pastor. It works. I sent OfJoshua to pastoral counseling when she stopped throwing up after sex as often as she use to. It takes a lot of time--she often had spend whole weekends with him at special pastoral resorts--but it was worth it. She hates sex more now than ever before.

If, even after counseling, she still wants to be on top, I'd suggest that you try to turn it into a more masculine event; the kind of event that brings out the Spartan warrior within you. It's fairly easy to do. All you need is a wetsuit, a pair of scissors, a nice strap-on harness with a good, flexible silicone probe (I suggest Pleasure Me Now's Bend Over Beginner's Kit; they have it on sale right now for &69.95), and, of course, the will to roll over. The wetsuit and scissors (used to cut an entrance in the back of the wetsuit) are optional, but I think they add a little Christianity to the Spartaness of the act.

--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.

Helmet Tips: Finding Mr. Right

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General,

I'm a 45 year old unmarried woman. I'm not single by choice; I want to find a husband, but I don't know where to find one. All the men I meet are either drunks or married or drunk married guys named Vito Fossella.

Sunday is Mothers Day. My 43 year old brother and I usually celebrate by taking mom out to breakfast. I know he's going to make the same old tired joke about me. "Jeez sis," he'll say, "I bet I get married before you do." That's especially hurtful because he's a war blogger.

What can I do to find a husband?

Ida in Idaho Falls

Dear Ida,

I'm afraid your story is far too common. In the old days, back when we respected our traditional heartland values, a woman your age would be spending Mother's day morning scrambling to make breakfast for her ten children ranging in age from three to thirty years old.

Thankfully, it's not too late for you to re-embrace those values and use them to help you find that husband you desire.

Here's what I want you to do. Before you do anything else on Sunday morning, I want you to look into your mirror and say, "Today I am a new woman, a woman who cherishes my traditional heartland values." Then, take a shower and do whatever you need to do to make yourself as pretty as possible--I suggest you wear one of those huge bows in your hair.

OK. Now when you meet your family for breakfast, I want you to sit directly across the table from your brother. Be very nice to him no matter how much he irritates you.
I want to you to look at him exclusively throughout the conversation. If he returns your gaze, avert your eyes while you slowly run your tongue around your lips. Eventually you'll notice that he's involuntarily leaning further and further over the table toward you. At that moment, I want you to kick off one of your shoes, gently place your foot in his crotchal area, look at him, and wink.

I promise you, this method works. It, and a quick trip to the Florida panhandle, are all you'll need to transform yourself into a married woman.
--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.

Helmet Tips -The Great "Stamina" Myth

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General:

I can't go more than 15 or 20 seconds before I ejaculate. What can I do to increase my stamina?

--Eager, Beaver Dam, UT

Dear Eager,

Stop your damn whining. You're problem isn't stamina, it's gullibility. There is no such thing as a premature ejaculation. It's a myth promoted by men-hating femislamunists like Dr. Ruth and Susie Bright to destoy our confidence.

If you're lasting 15-20 seconds, you're lasting way too long. God created the sex act for one reason only, procreation. After five seconds, it becomes recreation, and that's a sin. You've got learn to get it in there, do your business, and get it out in time to go to the fridge and get another beer before the commercial break ends.

I've shaved my own time down to 3.7 seconds by thinking about baseball. I visualize Ichiro as he steps up to the plate, his strong, masculine hand aggressively groping his fearsome bulge, furiously making a last-second adjustment, straining to reach that moment of release when the package achieves sublime alignment..ohhhhh, yeah, mmmmmm.

OK, time for that beer.

--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.

Helmet Tips: Sex With The General

Dear General,

My wife and I would have a great sex life if it wasn't for our dog, Butch. You see, the misses moans a lot when she has an orgasm, and Butch thinks I'm hurting her. He becomes very aggressive and has bitten me more than once. We shut him out of the room now, but he whines and scratches at the door. It's very distracting, and often kills the mood.

Please help us.

Sore in South Jordon

Before I get to your question, I want to disabuse you of the notion that your wife is having an orgasm. It's just not possible. Women aren't built that way. What you are hearing are moans of disgust. Believe me. I know this from personal experience.

Now for the problem with Butch. You need to bring him back into the bedroom. It's so much better when you know you're being watched.

You'll need to do something to distract your dog's attention away from the moaning. I do it by packing my ass with peanut butter. My dog, Digger, loves it. He really goes to town.

You have to be a very careful though. You don't want to get any on your grenades. Ole Butch will smell it and see those puppies a swingin', and then he's going to chomp down hard. That's how I got my Purple Heart.

--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.

Helmet Tips: Sex with the General

Dear General,

I'm having a problem with my thingy. It won't get up. Just lays there like a Hannity fan watching NASCAR on the tee vee. Ya gotta help me, General.

Limp in Logan, UT

It's absolutely normal for a little soldier to go AWOL for long periods of time. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say it's a good thing, something that should be applauded, much in the same way we applaud Our Leader's long absence from the Texas Air National Guard. It can't cause you any problems if it's absent.

Still, there are times when you want ol' Private Johnson to rise at reveille, and more often than not, it'll require you to take elaborate measures to get 'er done.

Forget about the pills. They don't work. OfJoshua had her doctor write me a prescription for Ambien awhile back. She said they're the strongest boner pills on the market, but all they did was knock me out. Worse yet, were the side affects. The pills did strange things to my pigmentation--when I finally awoke, it looked like someone had drawn a mustache on my face with a magic marker. Once, the pigmentation even arranged itself to look like someone had written the word, "limpy" on my forehead. It was embarrassing as hell.

I think setting the mood is the key and that starts with the choice of music. It has to be something that evokes feelings of passion and desire, something like my personal favorite, The Lonely Goatherd from the Sound of Music. There is just something about yodeling to a goat that knocks the knots right off the old alpenstaff.

Clothing is just as important. A lot of people mistakenly believe that men are sexually excited by the sight of women in lingerie. Nothing could be further from the truth. For a man, sex is a manly act, and it's very hard to feel manly if you're looking at tiny swatches of ultra-sheer fabric with dainty, little lace trimmings. I mean, good God, you'd have to be a transvestite to find that kind of thing exciting.

Ask your wife to wear something more masculine. Tell her to dress up like a cowboy, a soldier, a gladiator or something like that. I'm partial to fireman outfits, myself. Not only does it prompt Private Johnson to spring to attention like the bolt on an AR-15 assault rifle, it also comes in handy a few seconds later, when Ofjoshua vomits as I climax (It's weird God made women like that, but I'm sure there's a purpose). She appreciates all that rubber between her and the bile.

That should be enough information. Try it, and if you're still having problems after that, write me another letter, and I'll tell how to creatively use common household items like baling wire, duct tape, and a toaster to turn your linguine into a kielbasa.

Do you need sexual advice from the General? Send him your questions at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com, and watch for his answers on Fridays.

Who gets the tubesocks?

I adopted two of your suggestions for naming this column, so I'll have to award a second tubesock as well.

bobbywally gets the sock I call "Tuesday" for proposing "Helmet Tips," and little soldier well receive soft sweet "Wednesday" for suggesting "Sex with the General." Please email me your mailing info.