A Sheriff's Prayer for Deputy Dingy

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

I fear the homosexuals are winning their long hard battle to force their rigid orthodoxy down our throats. Legislative bodies all across the country are criminalizing the practice of witnessing by steel-toed boot and are granting special rights to homosexuals--rights like the ability to visit loved ones in the hospital.

These success have so emboldened them, they are now raising the stakes and going after our most pious local leaders by attacking their heterosexuality. In just the last two days, they've taken out two godly men for exercising their patriarchal duties with the utmost heterosexual enthusiasm.

First there was LaVern Jordan, Superintendent of Parkway Christian School, in Spring Texas. When a desperate mother asked him to provide a scholarship to help her daughter get a graduation certificate, Jordon responded as only a true Christian leader should. He denied her request for welfare, and offered her an opportunity to build her self-esteem by performing a special service in lieu of a tuition payment, or as he put it: "Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."

The ungrateful woman, obviously influenced by homosexual propaganda, did not submit to his godly authority. Instead, she called the homosexual-controlled media. Their investigative report caused an uproar and Mr. Jordon was forced to resign.

The second incident took place in your own state, Oklahoma. It involved the god fearing sheriff of Custer County, Michael Burgess, a man so pious, he posted a Sheriff's prayer on his official website.

Burgess was a conscientious sheriff. He felt his job didn't end with a perp's conviction. He continued to work with a number of female drug offenders to ensure they didn't go back to jail. Love served as his rehabilitation method. It was a heterosexual love that replaced their hash pipe with his throbbing pipe of sheriffly entitlement. He'd give them a choice. They could either go to jail or tend to the insatiable needs of his Deputy Dingy.

And he treated them well. Unlike their sisters, who were incarcerated in his jail, Sheriff Burgess's special trustees weren't forced to enter wet t-shirt contests or flash their breasts in exchange for cigarettes. They were allowed to gobble his service piece away from prying eyes in the sheriffs finely appointed office. One was even allowed to accompany him to Oklahoma city for an overnight "legislative initiative" relating to drug court problems across the state.

All that ended when a state prosecutor, certainly a wicked man who despises heterosexuality, charged him with "14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy, five counts of bribery by a public official and a few counts of perjury." Now he faces up to 467 years in prison for doing nothing more than exerting his god-given patriarchal rights and engaging in a few heterosexual acts.

I hope you can do something about it.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot