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Friday, May 09, 2008

Helmet Tips: Finding Mr. Right

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General,

I'm a 45 year old unmarried woman. I'm not single by choice; I want to find a husband, but I don't know where to find one. All the men I meet are either drunks or married or drunk married guys named Vito Fossella.

Sunday is Mothers Day. My 43 year old brother and I usually celebrate by taking mom out to breakfast. I know he's going to make the same old tired joke about me. "Jeez sis," he'll say, "I bet I get married before you do." That's especially hurtful because he's a war blogger.

What can I do to find a husband?

Ida in Idaho Falls

Dear Ida,

I'm afraid your story is far too common. In the old days, back when we respected our traditional heartland values, a woman your age would be spending Mother's day morning scrambling to make breakfast for her ten children ranging in age from three to thirty years old.

Thankfully, it's not too late for you to re-embrace those values and use them to help you find that husband you desire.

Here's what I want you to do. Before you do anything else on Sunday morning, I want you to look into your mirror and say, "Today I am a new woman, a woman who cherishes my traditional heartland values." Then, take a shower and do whatever you need to do to make yourself as pretty as possible--I suggest you wear one of those huge bows in your hair.

OK. Now when you meet your family for breakfast, I want you to sit directly across the table from your brother. Be very nice to him no matter how much he irritates you.
I want to you to look at him exclusively throughout the conversation. If he returns your gaze, avert your eyes while you slowly run your tongue around your lips. Eventually you'll notice that he's involuntarily leaning further and further over the table toward you. At that moment, I want you to kick off one of your shoes, gently place your foot in his crotchal area, look at him, and wink.

I promise you, this method works. It, and a quick trip to the Florida panhandle, are all you'll need to transform yourself into a married woman.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.