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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Livin’ In Your Own Private Idaho

The Gen’rul’s deep under cover today, so he asked some of his loyal troops to fill in. I was only glad to oblige, though it meant getting out from under the covers myself. Dammit anyway.

But here I am, fighting the good fight at the Gen’rul’s behest.

Anyways, we all know the Gen’rul’s been way out in front on the scourge of rampant toilet sex. A visionary, ask me. At times, it seemed as though he was fighting an entire nation of toilet sex demons all on his own.

But thank The God of the Republican Party, the Gen’rul now has a crucial ally in the fight against unintentional wide stances, toe-tapping, hand signals and other assorted bathroom dalliances, thanks to this patriot from the Great State of Idaho:

A Republican seeking a state House seat in the land of Larry Craig advocates segregation based on sexual orientation.

Retired Idahoan Walt Bayes, 70, says in campaign literature that it is “absolutely wrong to force any student to share the same bathrooms and showers with homosexual teachers or students.”

“I don’t really have an answer for it,” the Wilder resident told the Idaho Press-Tribune Saturday, “but we’re going to have to do something if there’s going to be a considerable number of our people who are going to [be gay].”

Well, I admit I was a bit stymied by the notion that, um, students would be sharing showers with teachers, straight or gay ... but I’m not from Idaho and so I’m not familiar with local customs. Nonetheless, I had to dab the tears from my eyes when I read about Walt Bayes’ Crusade To Make Bathrooms Safe For Straight Kids. What a truly great Christian man, finding novel ways to humiliate an’ degrade th’ homosexuals in our midst by forcing them to use “homo-only” crappers. And Walt gets extra points for going after gay kids. They are especially vulnerable, and so they are particularly deserving of having their very souls crushed.

This is what made our country great: Belittling and discriminating against those who dare to be different. That, and piling on the weakest and most vulnerable. Makes me wanna hum a Lee Greenwood song.

And lest you think Goodman Bayes is a one-trick pony, rest assured his Christian goodness doesn’t stop there. For a full-on multimedia presentation of The Walt Bayes’ Platform, click here.

Idaho. The gift that just keeps giving.

Dave von Ebers

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