Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Of Bonobos and Shakespeare

Mark S. Wrighton, Ph.D.
Chancellor, Washington University in St Louis

Dear Chanceller Wrighton,

Some might characterize your decision to award an honorary doctorate to Phyllis Schlafly as a despicable act of prostitution, a craven defiling of your institution's virtue in exchange for a handful of silver or a favorable mention in the most extreme reaches of our nation's political dialogue. And that may be true to some extent, but I prefer to think of it as an act in balancing, much like that to which we've grown accustomed in our media.

For instance, no self-respecting news operation would do a story on global warming without counterbalancing the scientists with oil and coal industry publicists, nor would they air a report on scientific advances in the field of biology without interviewing a pastor. It's all about balance.

Certainly you've awarded honorary doctorates to authors with suspiciously-hued skin tones in the past. Now, you can provide balance by honoring a demagogue whose chief contribution to society is the promotion of the idea that the literary contributions of women, Asians, Blacks, Hispanics and anyone born in the last century have no value and therefore, no place, in our universities' curricula.

But why stop there? There must be other opportunities for balancing. Surely, there are others who are worthy of the same honor you're bestowing on Mrs. Schlafly. John McCain's religious adviser, Pastor John Hagee, deserves your accolades as well. His theory that homosexual rallies cause hurricanes would provide a nice balance to the stale physics taught in your meteorology classrooms.

And if I might be so bold as to offer up myself for an honorary doctorate, I think my research on the hypnotic nature of the masculine bulge as well as my work exposing the immorality of bonobos, seals, and penguins deserves your notice. It's certainly as great a contribution to society as any made by Mrs. Schlafly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.