As long as there's wine, you'll know I'll be fine.

Guy Molinari
Staten Island GOP

Dear Mr. Molinari,

I hear you're having a hard time finding a candidate to run for the congressional seat Rep. Vito Fossella vacated so he could spend more time with his wife, his concubine, and his acknowledged kids. That's understandable. The pool of straight, unindicted, Republican men is small enough to begin with. Throw in a screen to weed out those who keep concubines or engage in deviant acts like falafel stuffing and you're left with absolutely no one.

I'd like to help you out. That's why I'm officially requesting that you consider nominating me to be your candidate. I have all the qualifications you're looking for:

• I am not currently facing indictment.
  
• I'm a big believer in the free market approach to legislating. My vote will go wherever the money is.
• I will not vote to enact any climate change related legislation until science can prove the validity of global warming theory by providing us with a compelling business model.
• I want to put uteri back in the hands of men where they belong.
• And I pledge that I will never do anything to undermine our party's moral authority as the arbiter of family values. To that end, I've created a system that will allow me to publicly demonstrate my continued abstinence. It involves the constant wearing of tight latex pants. I've stuffed nearly three pounds of cabernet and merlot grapes into these pants and am currenty brewing a nice red table wine around my secret parts, thus making it impossible for me to engage in any kind of sexual act other than the unavoidable stimulation that accompanies the fermentation process. In other words, as long as there is wine, you'll know I am fine. You won't get a better guarantee than that.

I anxiously await your response.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot