A Picasso of pigmentation

Bob Ross
Youth Director
Windsor Hills Baptist Church

Dear Dr. Ross,

I've tried to resist writing you, but strange and intense feelings are gathering energy somewhere deep inside me. I fear that I'll explode in a embarrassing display of emotion if i don't find relief by blurting out the words that have been haunting my mind since I first saw your picture.

Your tan is outstanding. It is easily an 11 on the George Hamilton scale of traditionally-approved skin hues. I am in awe of your tanning skills. You're truly an artist in the medium of melanin, a veritable Picasso of pigmentation.

And then there is your hair. So full, so high, so white. It rises from your head like Mt McKinley; its snowy reaches brushing against heaven's floor, reflecting light as if polished by angels. It is absolutely stunning.

You are, indeed, a very handsome man.

For most youth pastors, that, and a command of the hip language of our youth, would be enough. But you bring so much more. You bring a special knowledge of what teens desire most of all.

It's that insight that inspired you to offer the prize of an assault rifle as an incentive to attract teens to your Summer youth conference.

It's a brilliant idea. Teens live in a very restrictive social milieu. They are confined within strict pecking orders that serve as incubators for feelings of powerlessness and rage. They crave escape; they crave the power to move to the top of their social hierarchy; they crave empowerment. And nothing is more empowering than weight of an AR-15 in one's hands. It's the ultimate equalizer. It provides one with the power to take a life or grant mercy. What teen wouldn't want that?

And that's why i admire you so much. You're the full deal, brilliance in an attractive, yet manly, package.

I want to be your friend. I want to watch gladiator movies with you. I want to wrestle you in the manner of our ancient Spartan warrior forebears, naked and oiled, like the true men we are.

What do you say?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Thank you Raskalnikov.