Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

G-strings with a side of E. coli

Thanks to the General for letting me use his electrical typing pamphlet machine again. Unfortunately, he couldn't introduce me today. He's recovering from a lesson he learned about respecting the next president's wishes. Twenty-four hours of elevation will fix him up. You don't need your pinkie toes to type anyway. Isn't that right, Lieberman? (Joe's my electrical typing pamphlet machine operator. I don't use the things.)

[Yes, Sen. McCain, you are always right. -Joe]

My offshore drilling plan was a huge hit. Contributions from the oil companies are still rolling in. I'd like to repeat that success.

That's why I'm announcing my plan to restructure the USDA's Nutritional Pyramid by adding a new food group that includes pathogenic bacteria. I think it'll be a big hit with the agribusiness and and the food services industries. E. coli, salmonella, and mad cow disease* scares have really cut into their profits in recent years. My plan will put an end to their fiscal pain. They'll contribute through the nose to get that kind of protection.

By making pathogenic bacteria a food group, I will correct an unintended consequence of my party's deregulation of the food industry. Our intentions were good--free business from the socialistic shackles of food safety inspection--but in our zeal to let the free market determine what pathogenic bacteria we should ingest, we simply overlooked the fact that much of the public believes that it's bad to eat something that will make you vomit, give you diarrhea, and possibly kill you. We need to change that perception. My plan will do that.

OK, I've got to go. I made Cindy strip at this biker bar in Sturgis, and it's time to cash-out the g-string.

Holy fuck Joe! You look like you've got one of O'Reilly's falafels stuffed down your pants. You're hard as a god-damned rock. Put some fucking ice on it, apologize to Hadassah and the General's readers, and then do that thing you're supposed to do with the star thingy next to the "mad cow disease" part.

God dammit! We've had this discussion before. My god damn energy policy doesn't work if you call it a prion. Want me to break that god damned corn cob you have shoved in your pants? Just do your job you bitter, VP-coveting, ass-licking toady?

I thought so.

Yes, write every word I've said. Even this. How many times do I have to tell you that, you weaselly little shit bag?

[Sorry for the state, but you should see our next first lady. Man, I have to sponsor a bill to give the silicone industry a huge subsidy. Christ, they do good work.

Oh shit. Look what I did to the keyboard. Fuck! I'll just tell Sen. McCain I sneezed all over it...a lot.

OK where was I? Oh sorry, that was it.

I apologize to you, the General's readers, and to Hadassah. Uh, honey, I, uhhhh, sneezed...a lot.

*Although Sen. McCain included mad cow disease in this list, it will not be added to the new Pathogenic Bacteria Food Group because it is not a type of bacteria. It is...uhhh...a Prius. Sen. McCain will handle it in his energy policy by levying a huge user fee on Prius owners, the proceeds from which will be used to subsidize fuel costs for SUV drivers.


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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.