An Iron Pig for Putin

Robert Kagen
Carnegie Endowment for International Peace

William Kristol
The New YorK times

Rev. Sun Myung Moon
The Washington Times

Dear Rev. Moon and Mssrs. Kagan and Kristol,

Your early efforts to start World War III are to be commended. It looks like we'll enjoy your Iraq and Afghan battlefields for many years to come.

But what have you done for us lately? Your push for war with Iran appears to be stalled and your calls for an attack on Russia are being met with outright derision rather than the mass delusional uber-chauvinistic acclaim your earlier fantasies achieved.

Obviously, the Times/Fox/Moon/Post scatter-gun approach is no longer doing the trick. You need to change things up a bit. You should hire a full-time war facilitator, someone whose only job is to start the wars you want.

I have the perfect guy for you, the Seattle police detective who shot the biker at the Sturgis Bikers Rally on Saturday. You'll love him. He's like a conflict magnet.

The shooting occurred after his motorcycle gang for Seattle cops, the Iron Pigs, picked a fight with a bunch of Hell's Angels at a bar called the Loud American Roadhouse.

It wasn't the first time he's been involved in that kind of incident--like I said, he's a conflict magnet. In 2005, again while he was off-duty, he got into a fight in a Tacoma bar and then threatened to shoot the establishment's manager.

Later that same year, he raised a ruckus at a Seahawks game "by pretending to cry like a baby and yelling out, 'Go Rams.'" When one fan objected, the detective arrested the fan for assaulting him with one of those little megaphones they sell at the games.

It's unknown if any of these incidents were connected with the Seattle PD's "Liquor and Lugars" program, but even if that's not the case, it shows initiative--the kind of initiative I think you need.

Think about it. He's like George Bush, back when he was effective--before they took the Ny-Quil away. All you need to do is get this guy liquored up and drop him off at the Russian Embassy. And within a few hours, we'll be exchanging ICBMs with Putin. I guarantee it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen JC Christian, patriot