Mass, Gas, or Ass

Scott Snyder
Pastor, New Beginnings Bible Fellowship

Dear Pastor Scott,

I'll admit it. I passed judgment on you when I read that, in a single month, you had sent 2,181 text messages and photos of yourself to a 14 year old girl. That didn't seem appropriate to me. And I judged you again when I learned that you had kissed a 13 year old girl on the lips while driving her home from church in your Bus of Jesus' Love.

I apologize for that. It was wrong for me to judge you. I understand that now after seeing your response. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your accusers and say something like this:

It is a sad day once again as we see the corruption of this world and the media. I have spent the last 7 days with our military soldiers and hear from them also of the lack of truth presented by the media...
This is a case that shows the horrible condition of our country and the open hatred toward our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and those men of God who still stand preaching the salvation of Jesus Christ. I cannot change how you feel about all the false information presented and reported about me, but I can say once again it is false, and that this will not stop me from continuing to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.

And you are so right. Your innocent text messages, nude pics, and tongue-play are being portrayed as lascivious acts by those who hate our Lord, Jesus, and our soldiers, and want to destroy them.

It's time to fight back, and the best way to do that is to show the world that the things you are accused of doing are not only acceptable, but righteous in nature. To do so, you must embrace these acts and make them a central part of your ministry.

You should begin by adding a teen/adult chat room to your ministry's "Teen Space" web page. You know what I mean, a place where 13 and 14 year-old girls can chat and exchange pictures with adult Christian men without worrying about who might look at their cell phones. After all, it's nobody's business if a curious teen wants to know what Jesus may have looked like as he appeared, naked, on the cross.

And it wouldn't be a bad idea to give the old church bus a face-lift too. Heck, why not get rid of it all together and get one of those customized '76 Chevy vans. You know, the kind that are completely carpeted from floor to roof on the inside and have a luxurious mattress in the back. And on the outside, you'll also want some of that really cool airbrushed fantasy art. I'm thinking a picture of you, bare-chested (but with better muscles), standing in front of a cross and a flag on a battlefield with a bloody sword in one hand, a barely clothed teen in your other arm, and a begging journalist at your feet. And in the corner, the words, "Jesus' Love Wheels" painted in large gold letters, and below that, the phrase, "Mass, Gas, or Ass -- Nobody Rides for Free."

Now that'd be bitchin'.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot