John McCain discusses Crisis

Thank you, General, for allowing me to use your electrical typing intertubes pamphlet machine for this big announcement.

A few years back, I saw a Matlock episode where the origin of the word "crisis" was mentioned. Apparently, if you look at the original Sanskrit character, you'll find that it's composed of two symbols, the Sanskrit characters for "photo" (cri) and "opportunity" (sis)*.

My reaction to crisis changed after learning that. I no longer responded by taking large amounts of money from savings and loan officials. I began doing photo-ops instead, instead.

You've seen seen me take this approach a couple of times recently. First there was the crisis with the hurricane. I responded by suspending the Republican National Convention so I could fly down to Texas or Mississippi or wherever the hell I was and get in a photo op before the rain started falling.

It was a great trip. Lieberman picked up a really neat electrical ping pong device for the tee vee while we were there. "Pong" he called it. It's incredible. I can't wait until it hists the stores. It's going to revolutionize the toy industry and probably be one of our biggest exports by the end of my first term.

OK, I got a little off track there, but that's ok. I never had a chance to get off track during the five and a half years I spent in Hanoi. My rat friend, Sheila, wouldn't allow it. She'd say to me, "Don't get off track, John, or I'll gnaw off your testicles when you go to sleep." Then she'd make me give her a tongue bath. I didn't mind, because she was my best friend. And she's still my best friend all these years later. I keep her in my wallet. She commands me to kill things and stuff.

So anyway, we were talking about my approach to handling crisis. You saw it again last week when I suspended my campaign to do an economic crisis photo op. The best part was going to a meeting at the White House. They have the best prune juice there. And they have those presidential M&Ms. I stuffed my pockets with them while Buehner and Obama were arguing about something--the economy I think. It was Sheila's idea to take the M&Ms. She says we deserve them. It's our turn to have presidential M&Ms.

Now, we face an even bigger crisis, the cratering of my campaign. I will address this crisis by suspending my campaign so I can spend more time doing photo ops in battleground states.

The suspension applies to my running mate, Sarah Palin, as well, but that does not mean we'll miss Thursday's vice presidential debate. We found a very engaging baby seal named "Binky" to sit in for her. We've spent a lot of time prepping Binky. We believe she'll be just as knowledgeable and articulate as Gov. Palin.

After the debate, Gov. Palin will demonstrate her Commander-in-Chief credentials by clubbing Binky. It was Shiela's idea. She says it'll be a great photo op.

*As far as I know, the Sanskrit word "sis," which, when translated, means "opportunity," is not related to the American term of endearment for one's sister; however, sis does mean both "sister" and "opportunity" in portions of Kentucky and West Virginia.