You all heard how I was treated yesterday. My enemies were relentless in their mockery. They acted as if they've never forgotten something as trivial as Spain's location. But it will backfire on them. I know it will, because we've all forgotten something, haven't we.
Who among you hasn't become disoriented and confused and forgotten where you live as you've walked down the driveway of one of your houses to pick up a newspaper. Then your Secret Service guy comes up and tries to help you, but you think he's Viet Cong so you kick him in the balls as hard as you can.
It's embarrassing, yes, but dammit, it happens to us all. You just have to get past it. You have to go back down that driveway again and concentrate as hard as you can so you don't forget that you're standing in front of one of your own houses.
And that's what I doing here, today. I'm going back down yesterday's driveway and getting it right this time.
My Friends, I know where Spain is located, and I understand its strategic importance as one of our NATO allies. But sometimes being an ally isn't enough. You have to be with us all the way in all things, and unfortunately, Spain's president, Antonio Banderas, hasn't been very supportive of our national security goals. That became clear to me when I bumped into him last week while visiting the Spanish city of Albuquerque.
We talked for awhile and eventually, I said, "Pedro, I'm going to need your help once I'm elected President. As you know, Pakistan has become a safe haven for the terrorists operating in Afghanistan. I'm going to want to launch cross-border operations from Spain into Pakistan's Western provinces. Can you help me with that?"
He didn't respond for quite awhile. I suspected that he was considering what such support would cost him, politically. Spain is a Sunni nation, after all. Eventually, he looked at me and asked if I needed help. I replied, "God dammit, Juan, where the fuck am I."
Everything went blank for awhile after that. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in some hotel room, watching a Secret Service agent hold an ice pack against his balls.