No You Can't: Republicans Offer Strong Alternatives to Democratic Policies

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Emphasizing their permissive, liberal philosophy, the Democrat leaders have been encouraging the people to chant the slogan "Yes we can," as if it were appropriate for them to allow people to do things or want things that are bad for them. Americans might forget that the world is a scary place, that there are evil people out there who want to kill us because we're free, and therefore that they need to submit to strong leaders who will protect them by making them less free. Americans need to learn not to abuse their freedoms and to accept the lot God has assigned them in life. To that end, Republican leaders are emphasizing what Americans must learn to do without.

No, you can't expect us to care about people who have lost their jobs, who don't have the education necessary to find new jobs in a changing economy, or who live in struggling neighborhoods. That's something "community organizers" care about, and no one takes that job seriously. We're here to run the government, even though we don't think that the government can do anything right, and we'll prove that by prolonging failed wars, bailing out investment banks so their managers keep trying until they get it right (or retire), and so forth.

No, you can't expect us to worry about people who have lost their homes. They don't donate enough money to the GOP to matter. John McCain was once a POW without a home and that was the last time he worried about such things. Today, he weeps for the real estate investors who lost their investments because without those investments, there aren't enough wealthy people owning multiple homes to come to his fundraising dinners.

No, you can't have more affordable health care or health insurance. The nation already has plenty of emergency rooms. America is home to the most advanced, cutting edge medicine precisely because we encourage competition rather than resorting to socialized medicine. No, you can't have access to all that advanced, cutting edge medicine because you can't afford it — competition means that there has to be winners and losers, otherwise it's just another form of socialism. It's better to be a pain-ridden loser in a nation of such unparalleled economic liberty than to have accessible health care in socialist nanny state. If you can't see that, well, no wonder you're one of the losers.

No, you can't have a Republican administration that will uphold or value standards of professional ethics and responsibility. It doesn't matter whether you're a state trooper or a federal prosecutor: we'll fire people who are politically or personally inconvenient and hire friends, cronies, and anyone with sufficient political reliability. Skills, education, experience, and other so-called job "qualifications" are secondary at best. The purpose of acquiring power is to expand that power and entrench it for the future, nothing more.

No, you can't assume that we'll ever tell the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth, not even under oath (assuming you can get us there), and not even when the truth is clearly good enough to stand on its own. We'll lie about little things like teleprompters and big things like our own records. We'll even tell obvious lies because we don't respect you enough to think you'll notice or care. Lying well takes practice, and if we stop we might get sloppy — not that you'd notice anyway.

No, you can't have schools that teach comprehensive sex education where kids might learn about contraception or how to use it. The only 100% effective methods for not getting pregnant are abstinence and sterilization, but the latter might impede the ability of whites to keep pace with fertile brown people so we have to stick with abstinence for now. Fortunately we have a vice-presidential candidate who helps demonstrate why abstinence really is the best policy.

No, you can't have schools that teach evolution, either. Darwinism is an evil ideology that promotes the idea that we are all just animals who can behave as immorally as we want, and it must be stamped out (except for Social Darwinism, which is the GOP policy that we are all on our own and the richest few can behave however they want). If your children are going to learn anything about biology, it will be that God created them and since humanity was created without sex, they shouldn't have sex. See how it all ties in neatly together?

No, you can't look forward to a future in which women are treated as equals or with respect within the Republican Party. Don't let the presence of Sarah Palin on the ticket fool you; the vice-presidency is only the Fourth Branch of Government while under the command of Dick Cheney. When he goes, the vice-presidency reverts to a post of little or no influence. When was the last time you even cared about what the vice-president did when "presiding" over the Senate, anyway? Sarah Palin will have as much importance in a Republican administration as the First Lady, so keep an eye out for her scrumptious mooseburger recipes but not much else.

No, you queers can't have equality at work or in marriages. Being gay is a lifestyle choice, like illegal immigration, and not an immutable characteristic like being saved by Jesus Christ, so it would be wrong to protect it from discrimination. Marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman, then between a man and a younger woman, then maybe the man and the younger woman's prettier friend depending on how the implants work out. Two men in a decades-long, committed relationship and raising healthy, well-adjusted children simply can't qualify as a real marriage or family like that enjoyed by those icons of family values John McCain, Newt Gingrich, Mark Foley, or Larry Craig.

No, you can't insist that we should take any responsibility for anything bad that we've done (though we'll be quick to take responsibility for anything good that's happened). True, we've controlled the Executive branch for the last eight years, the Legislative branch for six of the last eight years, and made a tremendous impact on the Judiciary, but if it helps us get elected we'll cheer on the need for "Change" and pretend that the best way for the country to get a change from us is to keep electing us. This will ensure that we keep doing what we've always been doing, which will be a big change from how things have been in ultraliberal, out-of-touch Washington, D.C. That's why we've nominated as our new Dear Leader a "Mavrik" who rarely strays from the Party Line. He understands Change because he changes his opinion ten times a day if that's what it takes to convince voters that he's a man of principle.

No, you can't have your sons and daughters back from the Middle East any time soon. In fact, we're already looking ahead for the next generation of canon fodder for securing natural resources so expect military recruiters in your elementary schools soon. Full-scale militarization of our society will have to proceed slowly so as not to disturb your consumer haze, but we have important tasks ahead of us. Not only are we going to be in Iraq for a hundred years, we'll soon have to send troops to other resource-rich areas controlled by recalcitrant, undemocratic governments...like Canada. Ever notice how they have things like "dollars" and "bacon" that aren't quite real? It's all part of a counterfeiting plot designed to undermine America's economy. When the Bush twins present our evidence to the U.N., you'll see just how serious of a threat they are. Before you know it we'll be greeted as liberators in Ottawa and other large Canadian villages. We may not even need to issue cold-weather gear to the troops, the war will go so fast.

No, you can't see any "color" around here. Conservative evangelical Christians are almost all white. Oil executives are white (though oil is taken from mostly brown and black places). Bankers are mostly white. We are the white, male, Christian establishment and the amount of color in our party is decreasing, not increasing. We have a vice-presidential candidate who has been reported to refer to Barack Obama as "Sambo" and Alaskan natives as "Arctic Arabs." We're happy with this B&W television view of American society, so why aren't you?

No, you can't have cheaper gas or greener, renewable alternatives. A lot of America's oil executives are nearing retirement age and we need to make sure that their retirement plans are fully funded, otherwise they may not be able to keep contributing to the Republican Party. This means that you'll have to keep driving your gas-guzzling behemoths everywhere, even if it means taking a second job to keep up with the interest payments on what you borrow to pay for fuel. Try to find a place where everyone in the family, even those with no skills, can find minimum-wage work. That way you'll be able to spend even more quality time together. Did we mention that we're the Party of family values?

No, you can't expect to enjoy any Fourth Amendment protections. If you aren't committing any crimes, then you have nothing to hide from us; if you object, then you must have something to hide. It's just like the old "party line" telephone systems, but the party will be you and employees of various government agencies. We miss those party line phones, listening to the neighbor's private conversations while watching our B&W televisions, so put on some Lawrence Welk and relive the Good Old Days.

No, you can't expect to enjoy much of the First Amendment, either. Preemptive war worked so well that we're now launching preemptive arrest raids: if we even think that you might disagree with us in public while cameras are rolling, we'll send the police to arrest you, ransack your house, and intimidate you into never being a problem again. Don't get too used to the books in the local library because Sarah Palin may decide to have a Washington Bonfire with them. Caged free speech zones will soon be limited to your house, and that's only until we figure out how to get CCTV cameras there, so you'd better appreciate it while you can, you ingrates.

No you can't have "habeas corpus," you don't know what it means anyway — at least, we don't know what it means, and anyone who does is an elitist snob who is out of touch with the real America (which doesn't care about whiney Latin phrases). It sounds like a dirty word, too, and you already know you can't have obscene material anyway. Like we told you before, if you haven’t committed any crimes then you have nothing to fear from a Republican-controlled government because we never make any mistakes.

This is what you can expect to get when you next vote Republican.