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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chuck Norris and the Coulter Doctrine

Chuck Norris

Dear Mr. Norris,

I bet you're as delighted as I am to hear that the US Army is finally implementing the Coulter Doctrine ("Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity"). No doubt you've seen the television programs about the civilian missionaries the Army embedded in Afghanistan. I get chills every time I think about those brave combat missionaries handing out Bibles every time their unit secures a village.

But I have to wonder if these particular missionaries are right for the job. I expected to see a couple of kick-butt-and-convert-your-sorry-infidel-asses Christian warrior types passing out the Bibles, but these guys seemed a bit on the wimpy side to me. I doubt they command any respect, whatsoever.

I know you're busy right now defending Christmas against Jews and unbelievers, but I'm wondering if you could take some time off and get yourself embedded as an official Army missionary over there. I'm not talking long term or anything. You just need to find the Islamunistofascist kingpin's fortress and kick the sensei's ass like you did in Way of the Dragon. No, wait, Bruce Lee kicked your ass in that. Well, hell, you know what I mean.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Here's one of the shows about the embedded missionaries in case you missed it:

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