One thing I've noticed during these visits is that very few of the residents are armed. I've tried to change that by running firearms drives to get each of them a gun, but that hasn't worked out so well. A ninety-year-old woman has a hard time picking up something even as light as a Glock. There's no way she could load, aim, and shoot it.
But last week, I received news that help was on the way. You see, the FDA had decided to diversify by becoming a rubber stamp for the gun industry in addition to the drug industry. Yes, the FDA approved it's first prescription firearm to be used as a "daily activity device." That means Medicare would pay for it.
Unfortunately, my excitement was quickly extinguished. Two days later, the FDA withdrew it's approval due to a little known "mockery and laughter" provision in the Code of Federal Regulations.
That's a shame because the 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol is shaped to fit even the shakiest of hands and light enough to whip out in a flash when you see that bastard, Elmer, eyeing your oatmeal.
I may still buy a few to hand out at the home, because nothing would sound sweeter than this:
This is a 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol, the most senior-friendly handgun in the world. A shot with the single bullet it holds would take your head clean off.
Now you're probably wondering, was that a shot I heard earlier or is my hearing aid acting up again. Well...do you feel lucky, Elmer...do you, punk?