Make my day, Elmer

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time visiting nursing homes to witness the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's always a lot of fun because the residents are very receptive. I never get any back talk when I tell them they're going to burn in Hell. Mostly they just start crying. That moves the saving along very quickly.

One thing I've noticed during these visits is that very few of the residents are armed. I've tried to change that by running firearms drives to get each of them a gun, but that hasn't worked out so well. A ninety-year-old woman has a hard time picking up something even as light as a Glock. There's no way she could load, aim, and shoot it.

But last week, I received news that help was on the way. You see, the FDA had decided to diversify by becoming a rubber stamp for the gun industry in addition to the drug industry. Yes, the FDA approved it's first prescription firearm to be used as a "daily activity device." That means Medicare would pay for it.

Unfortunately, my excitement was quickly extinguished. Two days later, the FDA withdrew it's approval due to a little known "mockery and laughter" provision in the Code of Federal Regulations.

That's a shame because the 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol is shaped to fit even the shakiest of hands and light enough to whip out in a flash when you see that bastard, Elmer, eyeing your oatmeal.

I may still buy a few to hand out at the home, because nothing would sound sweeter than this:

This is a 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol, the most senior-friendly handgun in the world. A shot with the single bullet it holds would take your head clean off. 

Now you're probably wondering, was that a shot I heard earlier or is my hearing aid acting up again. Well...do you feel lucky, Elmer...do you, punk?