Of Helmets and Anteaters

Rev. John Castellani
Executive Director
Teen Challenge International

Dear Rev. Castellani,

Congratulations. It looks like one of Teen Challenge's biggest supporters, Jim Ramstad, is being considered to serve as Barack Obama's drug czar. Hopefully, he'll be in a position to mitigate some of the damage a president who moonlights as the Antichrist could do.

While scanning the intertoobs to learn more about your exciting Christ-based drug treatment program, I came across your testimony before Congress a few years back in which you discussed Teen Challenge's work with Jewish kids-- not only did you help them kick their drug habits, you also turned them into what you called "completed Jews."

I'll admit it. I was a bit confused by that term. I mean what's the difference between an "incomplete" and a "completed" Jew anyway? My first thought was that it must be a Jew who has accepted Our Lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior, but then I realized it would be a violation of the First Amendment to use tax money to convert Jews, so it must be something else.

After a little bit more thought, it became obvious to me. It's all about the foreskin--well, for male Jews anyway. You were "completing" these Jews by reversing their circumcisions.

But how are you doing it? Skin grafts? Stretching? I hope not. I'd like to think that a faith-based organization like yours would employ technology derived from the study of creation science. You know what I mean. You anoint the unbeliever's little unbeliever with oil, slowly massaging it to work the anointing oil into the skin. Then you pack the helmet area with mud. After that, it's prayer time--you ask the Lord to work the miracle of Gen. 2:7 and turn the mud into flesh. Next thing you know, you're looking at an anteater rather than a helmet.

Is that how it's done?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot