Kyle Queal, Head of School
Brice Helton, Athletic Director
The Covenant School of Dallas
Dear Mr. Queal and Coach Helton,
I'm very disappointed with your decision to apologize for your girls basketball victory last week. What happened to all that Christian school spirit you showed as you cheered your team to a 100-0 victory over the team from the school for kids with learning disabilities? You didn't question your coaches decisions then. You didn't ask him to pull the starters when it was a mere 58-0 or 88-0 game. No, you cheered right until the end and thanked the Lord for giving you such a clear victory.
It wasn't until the mediaslamistofascists condemned you and the defeatocrats started sending you emails that you changed your tune. Then, all of a sudden, you were apologetic about your victory.
Rush Limbaugh wouldn't have apologized. Sarah Palin wouldn't have apologized. And Lord knows, your own senators, John Cornyn and Kay Bailey-Hutchison, wouldn't have apologized. They'd have framed it as a great victory over the forces of dyslexia and painted the opposing school as a grave and vital threat to everything we hold dear. Just like they and their predecessors did when we defeated the Cuban construction worker menace in Grenada and the seemingly unstoppable superpowers of Panama and Iraq.
And they'd have found a way to associate the Dallas Academy with the most evil and vile threat of all, condoms. Just like the Apostle Paul did in his epistle about the Trojans.
So now you've learned your lesson. Victory doesn't come from simply crushing a weak opponent on the field of battle. You need to build them up first with a good PR campaign. You need to turn them into the worst thing since Satan. Only then, will your win become a victory.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot