Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It was just a little male-bonding


Pastor Brady Boyd
New Life Church

Dear Pastor Boyd,

It looks like you're in a bit of a spot. People are now learning that at the very moment your church leaders were declaring that Pastor Ted Haggard's act of supposed sin was an isolated incident involving a single manwhore, they were buying the silence of another of his conquests.

I believe you're getting what you deserve. You took the easy way out, preferring to condemn one relationship and hide others simply because the truth, the innocent truth, was too hard too explain. Now, you're paying for it (or not).

Pastor Haggard had it right all along. Over and over again, he's stated that he's just another heterosexual who likes to put other men's little soldiers in his mouth. You know...like Larry Craig. There's nothing wrong with that as long as it's not sexual. Heck, it's probably one of the best ways men can bond with each other. Sure as hell beats punching each other in the shoulder.

You know what I mean. You're out shopping for a new rifle or mustache groomer or something and you see a guy, and you think, "What a nice, muscular, manly looking guy; I think I'll honor his masculinity by asking him to put his little soldier in my mouth so that I might partake of his essence."

So you do it. It doesn't mean you're The Gay--you're not thinking about marrying the guy or anything. You're just nourishing yourself on another's manliness.

That's how you should have explained it to begin with. If you had, you wouldn't be in the fix now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Ted Haggard's commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle is so well known, they're even writing songs about it.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.

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