Opus Ouch

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Bishop Of Rome And Vicar Of Jesus Christ
Successor Of St. Peter, Prince Of The Apostles

Most Holy Father,

I'm very disappointed with Congregation for Catholic Education's report on sex in the seminaries. I was hoping it'd include rankings, something similar to those "Top Party Schools" things you see in the secular magazines.. It'd certainly help a lot of my younger militia members decide whether to study the priesthood at Gonzaga or animal husbandry at Washington State.

I also thought it could have gone into a bit more depth in places. For instance, the following passage would have benefited greatly from a little elaboration:

Of course, here and there some case or other of immorality — again, usually homosexual behavior — continues to show up. However, in the main, the superiors now deal with these issues promptly and appropriately.

What does that mean exactly? What do those superiors do to deal with those issues, "appropriately?" 

Do you have a guy at the Vatican who punishes them his Mighty and Terrible Spatula of Redemption? Maybe a tough-minded Jesuit could fill that role. Or better yet, an Opus Dei member. They already have the whips. All they need are leather cassocks. I bet Antonin Scalia has one (I can almost see him him and Chief Justice Roberts taking turns delivering nasty "dissenting opinions" to each other.)

Uhhh, I have to go now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot