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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

War reporting ain't like selling ballcock assemblies

I've been very lucky in the past to have such conservative superstars as John McCain and Sarah Palin guest post here. Today, another one joins the Jesus' General family. Please welcome Joe the Plumber.
-- Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I'm learning that being a war correspondent ain't easy. It's not like selling an overpriced ballcock assembly to some jack ass who bought the complete Time-Life Home Repair series at a yard sale. You have to know things. You have to think up questions, and they have to be the kind questions they call "relevant." It's not enough to ask, "Do you know where I can get a hoagie?" They want you to ask questions about the war and stuff.

I can hold my breath until I pass out.

Israel is a dangerous place. It's a war zone. Things are so bad, you can't even get a decent breakfast. Iraquians from Gauze are stopping the bacon trucks. You can't get bacon or a ham sandwich anywhere.

I can pound a nail into a board using my forehead.

I go on a lot of dangerous missions with the IDF (That's how the Israel People spell army.) These missions always start out with an IDF public relations officer pulling me out from under the bed (I sleep there for security reasons.) After explaining to him that I was just scratching myself and not doing what he thought I was doing, I get dressed and we go to a briefing.

I can hold a lit cigarette between my thighs for 7 seconds.

I hate briefings, because I hear all the other war reporters whispering bets on whether I'll have a new question this time, But I don't need a new question, because the question about the bacon truck hijackings is important and relevant. I know that's true because it always makes the IDF officers very uncomfortable. It makes them all nervous and fidgety until I offer to snake their toilets.

Sometimes, when I'm really drunk, I taser my man parts to win $5 bets.

The IDF PR officer then takes me to strip clubs. He says they are the safest place to keep me. I like this part of the day the best. I can usually trade a toilet snaking for a few lap dances and still bill it all to the RNC.

That's basically my daily routine as a war correspondent. It's hard and it's scary but I need to do it to earn the credibility I need to run for Congress. That's my real goal. I want to go to Congress so I can fix things and get Redskin tickets. I bet I'll be the only Congressman who enjoys peeing on electric fences--well, me and Michele Bachmann .

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.