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Friday, February 13, 2009

Every Man's Battle for Purity

Every man featured in this video is a reformed masturbator. Remember that as you watch it and try to visualize labels featuring the words "Reformed Masturbater" identifying each speaker. You could be one of these men. All it takes is a little prayer and a healthy application of Icy Hot to your hands before you go to bed each night.



33 comments:

  1. (weeping with . . . . one is not quite sure what. ; ) but something in the general area of, General, "oh my!" )

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  2. I'm the ultimate in pure: I've never undressed a woman whilst walking down the street or surfing the 'net.

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  3. Those guys could put the Onion out of business. How can you even parody something like that?

    On the other hand (so to speak), maybe they were watching this:

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news/japan_pledges_to_halt_production

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  4. General, Sir:

    I tried, Sir, I tried really hard; but I just couldn't watch the whole video. When I saw that sign flashing around 2:32 with "Naked Girls". Well, Sir, that was it, I had to excuse myself from me and, um, well indulge in some "short term satisfaction" in exchange for eternal damnification. I'm sorry, Sir, but two posts in two days about jerkin' the gherkin, well it's a bit much for those of us that have been in recovery--for hours at a time--since grammar school.

    Oh, btw, Sir; "Icy Hot" as a preventative measure? Not so much. Some people I know (not me) LIKE to have a little pain with their illicit sex (a sort of "hell on the installment plan") and they call it, "The agony and the ecstasy".

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  5. Oh, wait, the point of that was to make men NOT undress women with their eyes and then masturbate? purity fail.

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  6. Pulse pounding music???? Oh dear.. that doesn't sound very pure.

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  7. Those of you who were so shamed by your own sick lust that you couldn't watch the entire thing might have missed the words, "Coming Soon" appear on the screen at the very end. Isn't coming - be it soon or later - kind of not what they're going for?

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  8. General, Sir:

    If these men are successful then I guess that means the micromininano arms business (not to mention the sub-molecular battle dress uni's) for arming and equipping the Blastowarrior Patrioflagellant brigades are all going to be a wasted effort?

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  9. A great man once said, "Every complex problem has a simple solution..."

    and here it is:

    Chew "HandzOff Antimasturbatory Gum"

    8 pieces of peppermint flavored gum - provides instant relief, lasting up to 6 hours!

    Two HandzOff chews offer 4 to 6 hours of relief. You may chew up to 120 pieces daily as needed.

    http://tinyurl.com/bclv9o

    Hope this helps.

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  10. This is real? Really? Really really?

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  11. Sir Hinearal, In yesterday's lesson we learned, "If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness." Thank you Jesus for showing us the way. Today we find a "National Coalition for Purity" meeting where they have all (some 300 or more) gathered. I trust someone has the good sense to have them all monitored, one on one and keep them separate as much as possible,. They should all be fitted with a t-shirt ( you know the ex-masturbator one) before they re-enter the community so they can be lovingly embraced by the watchfulness of the communities they re-enter.

    I worry about your safety, sir, on the front lines with these sinners. I have previously expressed concerns about your “contacts” with the fallen like Pam of Pam's Houseblend, not the least of which is who is curing who? After some considerable reflection I would like to suggest that you be accompanied by one of the concreant's Deacons or Disciples to “watch your back,” as it were, during these times of exposure to the fallen. You might want to avoid brother Jeff and NBFH based on some of their previous testimonials. I know God has brought brother Jeff into the fold for a reason, one who requires “no reason” to sin, well, there is a challenging reason to heal and I trust he is on the top of the concreant's prayer list. Have a blessed day! Respectfully submitted for your consideration in a Chreatinly devoted spirit, your disciple and aspiring Deacon,

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  12. have you ever seen a group of men who look more likely to weep while they jack off to pictures from Men's Health in your life?



    not that there is anything wrong with that I suppose but, geez, get out of the fucking closet Nancy, there's a great big world out there.

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  13. Can we have a War on Wanking? Huh, can we? I saw that image of the One True Cross and all those Purity Flags and saw the need for us to mobilize--let's face it, with Jesus nailed to that Cross it's not like he can grab our hands/socks/farm animals/squash and make us cease and desist in acts of self-pleasure. His Father made us to produce 250,000 sperm a day (during the height of production). It is clear that the Lord wants the stuff to back up and come out of our eyeballs.

    p.s. I'm getting older and don't smack Slappy as much as I used to...sigh.

    ++++

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  14. General, thank you once again for keeping us abreast of the ongoing battle for men's souls. I even visited the Purity Coalition web site to get more information. Never was so much talked about without saying the word to which they refer, so could it be that these men are trying to swear off late night strawberry cheesecake binges instead? Now, that's a real relationship killer. All of that strawberry compote, vanilla, graham cracker crust, cream cheese . . .ooh! Gotta Go!

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  15. I've been gleefully losing this battle for decades. And I concur with democommie, Icy Hot only makes it worse...in a good way.

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  16. Mr. MJS, Sir:

    Not to quibble; but ain't it more like 250,000,000 per ejerkulation?

    Rev. Paperboy:

    That, sir, was.., well, it was just gratuitous and coffeesnotfunny.

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  17. I apologize if this topic has already been covered--I've been occupied with school stuff. This is from Holocaust denier Bishop Richard Williamson, recently reinstated by Pope Bennie, as quoted in his Wikipedia article.

    “Williamson holds strong views regarding gender roles and dress. He opposes women attending college or university, the wearing of trousers or shorts by women, and has urged greater “manliness” in men. He is quoted as saying: “A woman can do a good imitation of handling ideas, but then she will not be thinking properly as a woman. Did this lawyeress check her hairdo before coming into court? If she did, she is a distracted lawyer. If she did not, she is one distorted woman”

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  18. I about fell over when the final frames showed:

    "COMING SOON"

    No shit Sherlock...no shit.

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  19. I love the way they make themselves out to be some kind of hero. Like they fought on Iwo Jima.

    "It was the bonzai charges - all those Japanese schoolgirls, their book bags swinging as they ran, falling on their knees before us. I just... I.... I'm sorry, could you stop the camera?"

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  20. Please. Internet porn? That’s nothing! Have you ever stopped by the Castle Anthrax?

    “No, oh no! Bad, bad Zoot!. She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I’ve just remembered, is Grail shaped. It’s not the first time we've had this problem. Oh, wicked, bad, naught evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty! …”

    Let me go back and face the peril!

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  21. You know, if they had approached this as respecting women as people and not objects to own and sexualize, that would be one thing. But it's all about disciplining the little soldier, about being a man and "hurting the heart of God." It is so incredible to watch the incredible lengths to which religion must go in order to get their males to put their members in the God-approved receptacle only.

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  22. Yeah, that whole hurting the heart of God thing was a hoot. Oh dear, little Jimmy masturbated again. Ouch, that hurts, Jimmy. I think I'll kill a kitten.

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  23. "it's time to come clean"

    "300 men in a room"

    "you will leave here so excited"

    If their definition of purity is 300 excited guys in a room coming clean, I know a lot of people who would sign up.

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  24. A reformed masturbator is like a reformed alcoholic - nonexistent.

    I'll go even further and say a man who claims to have never masturbated is either very lucky, very unlucky or a liar. My money's on the latter.

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  25. General, Sir:

    Does this mean there's gonna be a cartoonishly heteroerotic version of the "The 300"?

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  26. Demo: Now there's a blockbuster I'd pay to see. Talk about "Coming Soon"!

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  27. It's not masturbation. It's a daily activity for relaxation and better mental health.

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  28. Did they really say "pulse-pounding"? "right up my alley"? "bondage"? "so excited?" "heart pumping in your chest?"

    And I luuuuuv the music! Where do I sign? Are women allowed on the Battlefield for Purity?

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  29. Alicia,
    I think we should start our own 'movement', recruit a few hundred disgustingly liberated ladies, and hold our meetings in the conference room next to theirs. We could exorcise our demons with recitations of our fantasies and techniques. You know how thin those conference room walls are; we could provide a test of their willpower and faith. We would be doing them a favor. ;-)

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  30. General, Sir:

    Is there any chance that someathem "Ex Masturbator" shirts could be printed with the "Ex" in disappearing ink?

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  31. lottakatz - I am always happy to serve my Lord and Saviour, no matter what the cost to myself. I think your idea is brilliant - no doubt, directly from Jesus's lips to your ears. It is only by boldly facing our demons that we may banish them. So we should relentlessly examine and re-examine them, at gret length and volume, and urge our brothers in Christ to do the same.

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  32. As far as I know (and I might be wrong), the only apparent mention of masturbation in the Bible is this:

    http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=Leviticus+15%3A16&version1=51

    16 “Whenever a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his entire body in water, and he will remain ceremonially unclean until the next evening.[a]

    God just wants to you take a bath after you jerk off, and not do holy stuff. Doesn't seem so bad. And isn't it interesting that neither the Bible nor the organization are much concerned with female masturbation?

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.