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Thursday, March 12, 2009

(Bristol - Levi) + Joe the Plumber = Camelot

Joe the Plumber
Republican Strategist

Dear Mr. Plumber,

By now, you've heard the news of Levi's and Bristol's break up. Although it's a sad event, it also provides you with a fantastic opportunity to unite the Republican Party by marrying into the Palin family. Think about it. You each lead the party's biggest factions. You are loved by those who reject the socialist notion of taking one's breath via nasal passages, and Bristol's mother, Sarah, has the support of the confederate values and witchcraft-security wings of the party. An alliance between the two of you would put 2012 within your grasp.

But you will have to act quickly, before Track Palin's deployment is over. You don't need to be competing against that family's destiny.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. As a mouth breather, I wish to take exception to your scorn. I was told by my Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor that I have VERY small nostrils. In order to get the proper amount of oxygen, I must breath through my nose. That is all.

  2. I liked the equation [(Bristol - Levi) + Joe the Plumber = Camelot] but isn't math kind of gay? Not Alaskan White Trash gay, but some other, more sinister gay? Maybe even Oxygenated Gay?

    Oh my god: pondering this stuff is kind of Alaskan White Trash gay, in a mouth breather non-gender specific fashion, with a Marxist veneer over a massive, imploding collective Ponzi scheme, otherwise known as capitalism. Yikes!

    We are just a handful of socialist boogers away from utter destruction! Who will be left for Chuck Norris to talk to?


  3. the socialist notion of taking one's breath via nasal passages

    AH HA HA HA HA! A most excellent way of saying "mouthbreathers"! Is it socialist to snort stuff out of my Internasals tubez when I read stuff like that?

  4. more like Spamalot if you catch my drift.

  5. I'm beginning to have doubts about Levi's paternity and just why did her brother have to go to Iraq all of the sudden? Investigative journalist Maury Povich frequently has an entire TV show devoted to these sort of cases.

  6. Nice one about the mouthbreather, sir.

    ; )

  7. From Bristol:

    "Unfortunately, my family has seen many people say and do many things to 'cash in' on the Palin name," she said. "Sometimes that greed clouds good judgment and the truth."

    Knocking Bristol up 6 months before her mother was nominated is sure a convoluted way to "cash in". Maybe Levi went back in time to try to rake in those big endorsement dollars.

  8. $hit-eating is much easier if your nose isn't part of the process ...

  9. Mutzali:

    I'm sure that interview with Greta van Sustern (sp?) and Fox News and the People Magazine Interview didn't bring in a few bucks to Bristol Palin, she did it out of the kindness of her heart and to get the "story" straight to the American people.

  10. Now don't tempt Joe. A busty young lass like that could nigh well drive a follically-deprived middle-aged man like Joe (or me) near out of his mind with heterosexual lust. Especially as we fantasize about a mother-daughter chili-three-way during a taxpayer funded junket to Fuckit, Thailand to study ways to induce more LBFM's to immigrate to Alaska outside the usual militay marriage pipeline.

    We need Joe sane and sober so he can continue to advise the Republican leadership, not p-whipped, spending every dollar he can wrangle out of his book deal, country music recording career, and pajamas media expense account keeping Bristol so buried in diamonds and roses she won't notice he's a bald old fuck nearly twice her age.

    As you can see, I've thought a lot about this, ever since she forgot to get married before the election. I knew this day was coming.

  11. And let's not forget poor Levi. Was he named after the tribe of priests? Or his daddy's favorite pair of jeans?

    Let's not forget the life that looms before him. One day he will be that guy you meet in Lakanooky at the last truck stop before the Arctic Circle. Sitting at the end of the counter, his butt settled into the word grooves of the stool, pouring anti-freeze into a steaming cup of Joe and chewing on a fossilized walrus penis, he'll say to anyone who dares to pass, "I was gonna be somebody! They said if I pretended to be her baby daddy, I could be a VP at Exxon before I was 29! I met John McCain, dammit! He was like a father to me! More than a father! And now look where I am. I'm as crazy as he was. God, how I loved that man."

  12. General, Sir:

    Is it true that Michael Chiklis (Really, really, really fucking bad cop, Vic Mackey--"The Shield") turned down the role fo "G.O.P. Joe(TM)"*, because he was too much of a pussy to breathe through his nose--or undergo the lobotomy, so he could be in character for the job?

  13. * GOD's Own Plumber (TM)

    And I thought I hated fucking Haloscum

  14. Mon Hinnyral, A marriage made in heaven, if there ever was one, or at least the closest thing to it, the RNC.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.