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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A New Hero for the Compelled Conception Movement

Rev. Thomas J. Euteneuer
President, Human Life International

Dear Fr. Euteneuer,

There is no shortage of sinners in the story of the nine-year-old Brazilian girl who received an abortion: there's the little girl who had the unholy procedure; the doctors who advised her to abort the baby citing her smallness; and the OBY/GYN who actually performed the abortion. Thankfully, the Holy Catholic Church punished each of these sinners by excommunicating them.

But there is also a hero in this sad story. He's the one person who was not excommunicated for the part he played in the scandal. I'm referring to the father of both the little girl and her aborted child.

Yes, I know most people consider him to be a monster for impregnating his nine-year-old daughter, but they're also the same people who are disgusted with the Church for excommunicating everyone but him. I think we can change their minds, and by doing so, gain their support for the work you're doing for the Church. All we need to do, is promote him as a hero of the anti-contraception movement.

Inasmuch as he impregnated his daughter, it's obvious that he accepts the Pope's teachings on contraception (I suspect that's why he wasn't excommunicated--what other explanation could there be?). You need to exploit that and use his fame to your advantage.

Think about it. He could be the "Joe the Plumber" of the anti-contraception movement. The compelled conception folks would love a man who refused to violate God's law by wearing a condom when he raped his young daughter. He's already obviously a hit with the clergy.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen.JC Christian

12 comments:

  1. Sometimes it seems as if there is, at least in Hardcore Christian Land, one vast hideous beast who stands for all, one gigantic blob of a zealot who wreaks havoc upon humanity, leaving despair and ruin in its wake. Thank God that's not the case and that instead there really are millions of truly awful and profoundly reactionary conservative Christians out there doing the lord's work, often while wearing funny hats.

    ++++

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  2. General Sir!

    Of course the father/grandfaher-pro-creator was not ex-communicated! Hell if the child he had raped been a boy instead of a girl, he would have been made a Bishop in The Church.

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  3. General, Sir:

    Why don't they just miscommunicate all the mofo's who live in that country. The church don't need them or their tith--, whoops, my bad. Cath-O-Licks, as you were.

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  4. NOBODY EXPECTS THE BRASILIAN INQUISITION!

    Goddammit, how do I make that upside-down exclamation mark thingie on this computer? Or maybe that's just for Spanish...

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  5. She was asking for it. I heard it on O'Reilly.

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  6. She failed to realize how awesome being a martyr for the RCC and its plan to resurrect the feudal system would have been. Serfdom, death in childbirth, starvation, and uninsured disease! Thats a platform for the ages! Praise Catholic Jeebus.

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  7. Gen’rul, times like this I’m really envious of you. Brilliant post, and it proves once again that satire can be far more effective than full-on rage, even in the most obscene circumstances.

    Somehow, though, full-on rage is all I can feel when I read about this story. Full-on fucking rage. Like, blinding, thank-God-these-motherfuckers-don’t-live-near-me-or-else-I’d-probably-fucking-be-in-jail-right-now kinda rage. So this is why I don’t, and can’t, write about things like this. If I tried to use satire, my head would probably explode.

    Which is all the more reason we need bloggers like you, Gen’rul. To keep my head from exploding.

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  8. The Catholic church just has an image problem. They just need to do a better job on messaging when they decide to excommunicate a little girl and forgive her rapist. They need to get in front of the propaganda on this whole priestly molestation issue. That would go a long way toward solving their problems, which would, in turn, boost voter turnout for our preferred GOP candidates.

    Of course, if I were devising their media campaign, I'd have to insist on a new pope, one that doesn't look like a tarted-up goblin from the movie Legend. They need somebody young and photogenic and non-threatening yet at the same time fatherly and uber manly - a sining example of the master race. Not someone who looks like he has the kitchen staff bake molested children in huge medieval meat pies for him to devour whole at midnight on All Hallow's Eve.

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  9. From comments on "Out of the mouth of babes"

    Rose said...
    "I also agree that Sodomy is wrong and disgusting, and I do not speak out against it in public like I should. I do at home with my husband."

    Out of the mouth, and into the rectum, of a moron!

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  10. DvonE, if your head is gonna explode, could you time it for when you're right next to Pope Benny the Ratz? I reckon if your gourd was at about his stomach level, that would do the job. Maybe if you were bending over to kiss his ring. A veritable head-on (or should that be "head-off"?) Operation Valkyrie...

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  11. Bukko, hold down ALT and type 173 with the numeric keypad with NUMlock on¡ ¡

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  12. Sorry, Bukko, as much as I like to get my rage on, I try to keep my head from exploding. It’s not always easy, but I try.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.